Al Gore has been declared ready for the Live Earth concert after a specially modified extractor fan was fitted to his mouth. ‘We need to get all the hot air out of the arena as quickly as possible,’ explained event supervisor Dr. John Bleasdale. ‘In just one hour, the fan can shift a volume of hot air equivalent to the capacity of the new Wembley Stadium. We’ll have it working on full for the whole of the event.’

Gore himself has backed the installation. Just last month, his eyebrows ignited after hot air built up around his face during a fund raiser in California. ‘Unlike the Amazon jungle, my eyebrows have grown back,’ he said, ‘but how long can we expect this to happen when we’re destroying our planet?’

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