John McCririck has been showing off the horrendous injuries he claims were caused by Alan Titchmarsh after the afternoon chat show presenter threw him off his new ITV show. ‘At first he seemed quite calm but once the cameras went off, he turned into an animal,’ claimed McCririck. ‘He said he was going to make me grovel and then he started to “bitch slap” me. It was humiliating. I tried to fight back, God help me I tried, but he’s a brute! An animal! And then he planted a crocus in a warm moist spot that doesn’t get too much direct sunlight.’

The horse-racing tipster claims that he was then subjected to nearly three hours of continuous beating by Titchmarsh and the other guests. ‘Anneka Rice worked on my knees but Alan never stopped punching my face,’ he told The News of the World. ‘Doctors say that I might never look the same again, though The Booby says she thinks it’s a definite improvement.’

Industry analysts believe the beating is Titchmarsh’s latest attempt to make the 3pm slot his own. Early audience research suggests that viewers are responding favourably to his causal banter, meaningless asides, and brutal punishment beatings.

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