It’s a long way from his role in Jeeves & Wooster but Hugh Laurie is enjoying playing the villain in the newest James Bond film, Die Forever Tomorrow Or Perhaps Next Week. ‘I’m the man with seventeen nipples,’ he told The Spine from the Caribbean location where the movie’s explosive finale is currently being filmed. ‘That’s seventeen fully functioning nipples, mind you, none of that plastic rubbish. I could suckle a hoard of henchmen while in full stride firing bazookas and scantily clad models at my nemesis.’

For the sake of realism, Laurie has endured weeks of nipple surgery, having sixteen nipples implanted on his body. ‘That’s quite correct,’ he explained. ‘I had to have sixteen nipples implanted to give me the full tally of seventeen nipples. I’m one of the rare men born with only a single nipple. Now I have a surfeit of nipples, a veritable overload of mammary papilla, and each one is a part of me. I wouldn’t know what to do without my seventeen little touching buddies, as I now like to call them.’

Loosely based on the unpublished Ian Fleming short story of the same name, the film sees Bond fight off a colony of fundamentalist dental hygienists led by Laurie’s insane toothpaste magnate, Dr. Milovich Brush. Critics have already condemned the script, saying that Fleming never intended the story to be seen by the public and cite as evidence the author’s remark, ‘this is crap’, scribbled onto the bottom of the manuscript.

The film is due to open in January and will be available on DVD from that guy you know at your local pub shortly thereafter.

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