The ailing Cilla Black Network received some much needed support, today, when Conservative leader David Cameron said a future Tory government would make funds available to ensure the long term health of this most vital part of Britain’s coastal defence.

The Cillas have been a feature of the British coastline for over sixty years but many of them are in desperate need of repair. ‘Some of them have been singing none stop for five decades,’ said chief Cilla warden, Henry Piles. ‘They were due for a throat scraping in the 1980s but cutbacks meant we had to just give them a spot of rouge. With this promise of help, we should be able to get their their vocal cords back up to their peak performance of the 1960s when they repelled a Iranian fleet full of fanatical ayatollahs.’

Since it was installed in 1942, the network has been a source of grievance between the UK and French governments, with the British claiming that the Cillas stop illegal immigrants from landing on British beaches. The French claim that the network is the source of noise pollution along the French coast and is the cause of miscarriages in dairy cattle. What is certain is that wrangling will continue and residents on the Calais side of the English Channel can look forward to many more years of ‘Alfie’ and ‘Anyone Who Had a Heart’.

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