After many months of speculation, the Ministry of Defence has finally confirmed that TV celebrity chef, Gordon Ramsay, is a member of the Territorial SAS. It is a long-held understanding that the government refuses to comment on the use, deployment, and duties of the special forces, but it is thought that by making this announcement, the MOD hopes to end the rumours that have been rife in the media and which have increasingly looked certain to compromise operational security. Their brief statement read: ‘We can confirm that Captain Gordon James Ramsay, of the 23rd SAS unit, has been in active service in Afghanistan for the last twelve months. He hopes to return to TV screens in the New Year with a new series about cakes but, until then, hopes he can be allowed to continue in his duties.’

Chef Ramsey is commonly regarded as the hardest man in Britain since be became the UK’s bare-knuckle champion last year, beating the current gypsy champion in a twenty two round marathon in a freight container yard in Hull. Newspaper reports have recently linked him with operations behind Taliban lines. Before leaving for his next tour, Ramsay agreed to say a few words to The Spine.

‘Now my cover’s blown, I can tell you the real story,’ said the secretive chef from his London home. ‘I went over there to see the s**t for myself and sort those f****rs out. It wasn’t pretty. I mean: basic hygiene? There wasn’t any. Nobody washes their f*****g hands and they make mashed potatoes out of Smash! Smash for f***’s sake! I know we bombed them back to the f*****g stone age but Smash? That’s like the f****** 1970s all over again…’

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