It may have surprised many when Guido Fawkes first reported that Peter Stringfellow intended to stand as a candidate for London mayor, but now he is in office, the owner of London’s most popular flesh clubs has wasted no time in making good on at least one of his campaign promises. Mayor Stringfellow today began handing out the city’s first lap-dancing passes to a group of pensioners in Hackney. Speaking from the newly opened Bordello and Bingo Hall on the site of the old parish church, the saviour of many a piece of poor immigrant booty expressed his optimism that his latest initiative will bring more hope into the lives of the elderly. ‘These old folk need their fun,’ agreed Mr. Henry Regis (87) as he watched the mayor (88) make use of the new facilities. Speaking a little later, a somewhat flushed Stringfellow added: ‘Can you tell me of anything that typifies London more than having a young twenty-year old Polish immigrant giving a bit of pleasure to an old chap who might have been feeling a bit low? This is the sort of social service I believe will make Londoners feel proud of their city, in the same way that our continental friends should be proud of Amsterdam or certain parts of Berlin.’

Many of the mayor’s critics have accused Stringfellow of ignoring more important issues while he has been out campaigning for the three hundred newly-licensed strip clubs that are due to open within Westminster villiage. Of particular concern has been the mayor’s new road tax which many believe is discriminatory. The so called ‘Tit or Tax’ scheme provides free travel throughout the city for anybody willing to go topless. ‘My critics have no civic pride,’ complained the mayor. ‘I mean, is there anything that symbolises London more than a nineteen-year-old Russian girl cycling topless through our lovely parks?’

Asked if he was planning on passing any policy that didn’t involve naked East European female migrant workers, Stringfellow turned down his hearing aid and pretended not to hear, instead choosing to praise the city’s newly restyled bus conductors. ‘Doesn’t it just make you think of London whenever you see a double decker with a beautiful blonde Lithuanian hanging off the pole?’ he asked.

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