Showing his remarkable understanding of the nuances of world politics, President George W. Bush has outlined a compromise solution to the current Middle East crisis. His offer to all parties to ‘blame the French’ has brought immediate expressions of accord from all sides. ‘It’s what we in Texas call cowboy diplomacy,’ said a delighted Bush from his home in Crawford. ‘And now I’m a-hankerin’ for a lynchin’ and maybe some beans…’ A clearly optimistic Bush then entertained the media to one of his party pieces which he intends to take to the UN in the belief that it will help get the American position adopted in a new resolution.

Before then, however, he plans to meet the French foreign minister later today in the hope of thrashing out agreement over Lebanon. From their side, the French government sees the American proposals as an opportunity to reassert its influence in the region. A senior French diplomat explained that ‘we are blamed for everything else so a little thing like the Middle East doesn’t really bother us.’

By appeasing an American administration that has not always seen eye-to-eye with their nation’s position on Iraq, the French government hope to revive the ailing tourist industry. Euro-Disney has seen a 87% drop in obese visitors since the beginning of 2002 with the resulting extra space making the resort look empty and increasing the number of bad accidents, where the previous placement of a large derrière would have cushioned the fall. America hope that this severe ‘buttock deficit’, which only they can solve, will force French President, Jacques Chirac, to adopt the President’s position, though French sources suggest that Chirac will demand that he puts his pipe in his ear, which he believes will look more statesmanly.

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