More Miracles as Madonna Hits Rome
Madonna’s plan to undergo a mock crucifixion as part of her concert in Rome has been attacked by religious leaders demanding that the crucifixion be the real thing. ‘Let her know the real agony of the Passion,’ said one outraged priest, waving a bag of six inch nails to reporters. He was standing side-by-side with priests of other denominations who are in Rome to tout tickets for the other big show in town, an audience with the Pope.
Meanwhile, a brother from a non-conformist sect has condemned Madonna’s whole career as ‘one long attempt to demean the Bible and make herself into a false idol.’ Flagellating himself as he departed, he wailed: ‘Oh, may the wrath of our Lord, Michael Jackson, descend upon her!’
The attacks have brought a conciliatory response from the singer. Her spokesperson read a statement in which Madonna (real name Mad Louis Ciccone) explains that ‘I do not object to real nails being driven through my hands but I do have to be concerned about my singing.’ She goes on: ‘I have fans who expect my usual standard of live vocal performance and I can’t let them hear me screaming in agony.’
Meanwhile, in a show of defiance, those same fans have been flocking to a small town in Trentino, in northern Italy, where a cabbage has been discovered that apparently resembles the singer. ‘It’s uncanny,’ said an emotional Rebecca Souse, a fan from Brooklyn, New York. ‘You can clearly see that it’s Madonna from the days of her Immaculate Conception tour. One of the leaves even looks like Warren Beatty.’ An awe-struck fan, Denis Humus, who has travelled from Scotland to see the miracle, confessed that ‘I’ve met the real Madonna so I can say that this is just like being in her presence.’ Overcome with the moment, he knelt down and kissed the cabbage before professing: ‘And it smells just like the real thing!’
Experts from the local university maintain that any similarity to the singer is pure coincidence as the cabbage cannot sing, dance, act, or write children’s books. It is a conclusion that seems to have left fans even more convinced.
August 4th, 2006 at 5:21 pm
I challenge that cabbage to write a children’s book - it can only do better. And with a celebrity face it can only succeed. Perhaps it can write one entitled The Italian Cabbages and another, Lotsa Da Cabaggia.
August 4th, 2006 at 5:34 pm
Ah, but no, Atyllah, you are a mistaken hen. Celebrities are naturally brighter than the rest of us. That’s why they are stars. It’s only right that they have all that money and success and publishing contracts and motor boats and holidays and luxury yachts and face lifts and drug problems and murderous stalkers and… Hmm… seem to have lost my thread. Anyway, there’s a reason why they’re where they are and we’re here (wherever we are). I mean: there has to be a reason why celebrities are always famous.
August 4th, 2006 at 9:57 pm
Ok, you can mock Madonna, but don’t be mocking the world’s hottest chef!!
August 4th, 2006 at 11:09 pm
Mock the Great Ramsay? Never! It’s a lie, I tell you, a lie! This site is a veritable shrine to his rising star. And nobody was cheering more loudly than I when he won the UK bareknuckle fighting crown. It’s just that I wish he was a little less humble about his greatness.