‘They say that we Liberal Democrats can’t take the weight of government,’ laughed Opik, manhandling a nineteen stone oil executive across his bronzed shoulders, ‘but I say give us a chance. It’s time this country had a leader with greatness, sex appeal, animal magnetism, a slightly lopsided grin, and shares in baby oil.’ Somewhat controversially, one of his first contracts has come from government, with the Deputy Prime Minister, John Prescott, due to travel by Opik when he attends meetings in Frankfurt next week. ‘I’ve known about the Prescott trip for a while, so I’ve been in training,’ confessed Opik. ‘My previous best was a twenty three stone property developer, but I’m hoping to beat that with Mr. Prescott.’ Asked if he was really sure he could take the weight, Lembit replied: ‘My father was Odin and I was born in the shadow of the great tree Yggdrasil. Doubt me not, oh mortals, lest you hear me roar…’

Although he part owns the company with Opik, Liberal Democrat leader, Sir Menzies Campbell, admits that his own involvement in the scheme has had to be limited. ‘Just midgets and small children for me, I’m afraid.’