Apress conference called to announce the Liberal Democrats’ national badger initiative was reduced to a farce as leader, Sir Menzies Campbell, refused to answer questions addressed to him by the assembled media. The cracks are clearly beginning to show in the normally implacable leader, who spent the majority of the session staring 100 meters into the distance and mumbling ‘wait for it!’ before promising to ‘go on the “B” of “BANG”’.

His reticence came after he been asked if he thought a ’spade or a shovel the most humane way to do a badger in’. Sir Menzies at first suggested a ‘baton’ but refused to be drawn any further, preferring to leave it to his deputy in charge of wildlife, Lembit Opik, to announce plans to remove unwanted badgers by transporting them by air to deserted Scottish islands.

‘For too long, badgers have been unable to afford low cost air travel,’ said Mr. Opik, ‘but we, in the Lib Dems, aim to change this. When people say that badgers can walk, then we say that this is the same old muddled thinking and why can’t they fly? We want to make life better for badgers across the nation. Better now and better in the future.’

Mr. Opik scoffed at suggestions that the policy announcement was linked to his newly launched airline and the fact that aviation commentators have suggested that his planes are too small for human cargo. ‘This is about the badgers,’ said Mr. Opik. ‘And as far as my critics are concerned, I say that they’re BANG out of order!’ With that, Sir Menzies was off. He sprinted down the aisle in a time of eleven minutes, twenty two seconds, and was last seen demanding a winner’s medal from the conductor on the 820 bus to Cowley Street.

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