Wristbands have become the fashion accessory for anybody wishing to make a political point without the bother of thinking something through. Now, nearly a year since he was spotted wearing his very first band, Conservative leader, David ‘The Earl’ Cameron, has admitted they have left him with both a painful wrist and a vague grip on world politics. ‘I can barely hold a single coherent point of view,’ admitted Cameron on breakfast TV. ‘It really is quite intolerable. All my bands are beginning to contradict each other. I don’t know if I’m for deforestation or against it. Are we saving whales or breading them for their meat? I look at my wrist and it all gets so confusing. I don’t know what to think about anything…’

Doctors responded to the news with a shrug of their collective shoulders. ‘We’ve been warning against this for years,’ said a spokesman for the British Medical Council. ‘The research done on the Comic Relief red nose has yet to be completed, but it would appear that long term damage can be done by wearing them. Up to twenty years after you first wear one, a red nose can still cause allergies, incontinence, and a tendency to tediously pontificate on a subject. We call it the “Ben Elton effect”. We believe similar ailments are caused by these charity wristbands. Users are already showing that exposure to the chemicals in the bands, often made under slave-like conditions in third world countries, leads to an unreasonable belief that they occupy the moral high ground. This is, of course, not true because the manufacture of the bands often exacerbates the very things they’re trying to get outlawed. Where do they think the rubber comes from? What do they think will happen to it? And who do they think makes it?’

Mr. Cameron has admitted that he’ll be going easy on the wrist bands in the near future. ‘I’ve learnt my lesson, ‘ he said. ‘In the future, I’ll be having them specially made by my man in Knightsbridge. It’s clear that my body doesn’t tolerate this cheap foreign rubber, so it’ll be nothing less than worsted or tweed from now on.’

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