David Cameron has called on the Tories to modernise and to take Ghandi as their model and help revitalise the Conservative Party. Speaking from his seat beneath a fake banyan tree on on Cromwell Green, Cameron had barely arranged his now characteristic white loincloth before British troops moved in and broke up his meeting of the shadow cabinet.

Meanwhile in his New Year message to his party, Charles Kennedy had pledged to use the example set by Martin Luther King and planned a million man march on London next Sunday. This has been cancelled, since it has been pointed out that the million members of the Liberal Democrats only exist in Mr. Kennedy’s mind and, besides, the rest would be too busy watching Hugh Fearnley–Whittingstall’s new series on Channel 4.

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