With the terrible news that Togo, the missing Jackass penguin, has been found in the alley behind a London casino, drunk on cheap gin and claiming to have lost the Isle of Wight zookeeper’s retirement fund on the tables, the government has been forced to again defend its plans for super casinos. Mr. Ron Clegg of ‘Gamblers Anonymous’ regretted the government’s continued intention to go ahead with the scheme, saying that ‘they just aren’t heeding our warnings, which is why we’re giving odds of 10 to 1 that they’re making a big mistake’.

The largest of the casinos will stand on the site currently occupied by Reading and will employ 27,000 people during the peak summer months when the schools are out. Such prodigious employment opportunities clearly attract a government wanting to reduce the amount being paid out on state benefit. ‘We’re hoping that within three years, 25% of government revenue will come in via the casinos,’ explained one of our sources inside the Treasury. ‘Whilst pocket money brought in on the slot machines will go straight into the education budget, it’s more important to milk rich Arab sheiks. Plans have already been drawn up and John Prescott has started to take belly-dancing lessons under the name Princess Jaguar, the sultan’s slender daughter.’ The claims where quickly denied by a government spokesperson who insisted that Mr. Prescott’s weekly visits to a flat in Hull are to help him with his posture. Meanwhile, speaking to his local constituants, the Deputy Prime Minister complained: ‘I naw know but tits lark my man to happen on a grand scheme to park up the nobutherichfatcatpigs and nowt bout us common men and folk.’

Tony Blair continues to support the plans. ‘Cherie’s giving me hell because we’ve only had four holidays this year,’ he explained from his holiday chalet high in the Peruvian mountains. ‘You know, I just can’t see where the money’s going to come from to pay for them and that’s a black hole that no member of the opposition have a plan to fill.’

Critics have long since argued that the government will be too involved in the day-to-day running of the casinos, a point fiercely denied by the Culture Secretary, Tessa Jowell. Backed by her two six feet nine inch henchmen, Sachmo and Lurch, she challenged reporters, asking ‘you wanna come into my place and show me disrespect in front of my people? Get off my manor and stop sticking your nose in other people’s business. And you’ll keep shtum if you know what’s good for you…’

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