Fears of more Big Brother style intrusions into the lives of UK citizens were dismissed this week when John Reid promised to take personal charge of the security of the nation’s wheelie bins. ‘I can assure you all now: there will be no microchips in people’s bins,’ the Home Secretary vowed. ‘Instead, we’re introducing a scheme to give each bin its own minister, with a full seat in cabinet.’The scheme will be soon rolled out across the country with long-time government critic, Jeremy Corbyn, being made Minister for the Wheelie Bin at number 27, Leedell Way, Reading. Mr. Corbyn has said that he’s ‘honoured that the prime minister personally chose me for this important role and I hope that this high profile job in the bin gives me many more opportunities to condemn American imperialism from my usual moral highground.’Meanwhile, critics of the scheme have suggest that it is nothing more than a quick-fix solution to the Labour Party’s internal squabbling. ‘The fact is: we’ve promised too many MPs that they’d get a cabinet position for supporting the government,’ admitted a source close to the Prime Minister. ‘This wheelie bin scheme is a godsend. Each MP will become Minister for a different bin and report back to cabinet each week with a full-itemised list of the rubbish. Of course, they’ll have all the perks of the office, including the wage rise and chauffeur-driven car, but on the bright side, at least they’ll be doing something more productive than the Deputy Prime Minister.’

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