George Osborne has revealed that a future Conservative government will employ the private sector to build the UK’s first commercial “maglev” railway that will run down the length of Great Britain. The levitation device will work on the power of his personality to lift weights to up thirty two tonnes. Said Mr. Osbourne at a demonstration event in Kent, ‘I can lift nine hundred times my own body weight with just the sheer force of my magnetic charisma.’ Japanese boffins were quick to question such figures. ‘At the most,’ they said, ‘Mr. Osbourne can lift only five hundred times his own body weight. These other claims are sheer fantasy, like some kind of totally falsified news you might read on the internet.’

The Labour Party have been quick to attack the Conservative plan, instead offering one of their very own. Gordon Brown promises that the next Labour Government will offer citizens the opportunity to instantly magic themselves across hundreds of miles, harnessing the power of John Reid’s smile. Japanese boffins were quick to question such figures. ‘John Reid doesn’t have a smile,’ they said.

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