Politicians are rejoicing tonight after it became apparent that the biggest breakthrough since the English Bill of Rights has been made in the area of political thought. A radical form of democracy, envisioned by one-time Apprentice contestant Saira Khan, calls for ‘a new campaign […] for much greater use of referendums on issues of public interest’. Yet what is shocking the political establishment is the speed with which the new form of law-making is being taken up by a public traditionally left powerless by the old party system.

Already the first effects of the Our Say initiative are becoming apparent as voters leap at the chance to apply reality TV principles to political decision-making. Today, the Union Jack was replaced by a new flag, tastefully done in gravel, Burberry, Playboy pink, and with one of them nice water features in the middle. ‘Ooh, isn’t it lovely,’ said Mrs. Mildred Pickle who voted for the flag in the Our Say booth in her local Tesco. Meanwhile, 84% of the electorate decided that the Highways Agency indeed have an obligation to help Jordan have her arse widened given that Botox is now a ‘legitimate building material’.

Across the UK, the new democracy was changing the politcal landscape. One of the day’s earliest ballots saw Trisha Goddard made into a living saint with the power of life and death over any British citizen. The Law Lords have already agreed that all paternity cases are to be now passed on to her and shown live on her weekly show. She is also now the only UK citizen empowered by law to carry and use heavy assault weapons. Air support will provided by the newly formed Trisha Bomber Squadron who were tonight involved in a major offensive against a suburb of Leeds where early reports suggest that ‘his brother slept with his sister and stuff…’

Jade Goodie is to be nominated for the UK’s seat on NATO and has expressed her intention to bomb Russia unless they send more vodka.

Meanwhile, the Home Office saw the first appearance of Sharon Osbourne, the public’s newly appointed Minister For Niceness, who had her first major policy decision endorsed by voters who decided that anybody who fails to smile for at least twelve hours each day will face surgical procedures to ensure they live up to the government’s new ‘happiness’ criteria. In related news, Channel 4 declared that it is to be taken over by the government and will screen nothing but Richard and Judy and ‘none of that foreign or art-house muck’. Richard is said to be looking forward to the challenge and to ‘sort things out for my kind of people’.

Further decisions include: all of Britain’s countryside is to be covered with gravel, becoming the world’s largest public car park, and the White Cliffs of Dover are to be turned into one long urinal in the hope that within ten years, they can be renamed ‘The Yellow Cliffs of Dover’, which 89% of UK citizens believe symbolises modern Britain’s liberal attitude towards the bladder.

In what has been a busy news day, the French ambassador was called to Downing Street where he was told in no uncertain terms that ‘we don’t like you or your bloody smelly cheese’ before the Channel Tunnel was dynamited at the Dover end, signalling the end of the UK’s interest in all things European. Visitors to UK shores are to be exposed to public ridiculing for at least 24 hours before they can leave the airport. To cater to the public’s enjoyment in all forms of xenophobia, BBC2 is to be devoted to special interest programming. Said Horace Hope, the new controller for the channel, ‘we’re looking for new ways to entertain people in new ways of humiliation. We’re hoping to hire Jeremy Beadle and Chris Tarrent to host shows that mock things we don’t understand. We see it as the next big thing in infotainment’.

Tony Blair has been quick to back the new plans, agreeing to have the Queen’s head replaced by a raspberry flavoured hologram of Simon Cowell happy slapping a overweight nobody from Stockton on Tees. Meanwhile Stockton on Tees is to be turned into a wildlife sanctuary where it will be lawful to hunt any teenager displaying individual thought or expressing dissatisfaction with the quality of today’s music. Other popular decisions include the rewriting of the national anthem by three hairdressers voted our of X Factor, and Charlie Dimock has been asked to convert Selby, North Yorkshire, into a water feature. All places of higher education are to be closed or converted into low price tanning salons, and those academics put out of a job are to be told to ‘cheer up’, ‘get and tan’, ‘chill out’, and ‘get a drink inside them’, ‘have a good time’, and ‘stop being such miserable bleeders.’

A surprising result of the latest voting will see Top of the Pops return to our screens, though live interesting bands are to be replaced to naked dancers swinging their breast implants to the beat of the latest American boy group high on sugar, hair gel, and the odour of excitable schoolgirls.

A tour of the UK by Canadian folk singer Leonard Cohen was called off tonight, when the Home Secretary declared him an unwelcome guest on these shores. However, music fans are assured that concerts across the UK won’t be cancelled, as Will Young has kindly agreed to step in at the last minute and will perform a selection of Mr. Cohen’s songs with ‘new upbeat accompaniments’. This news came as Kent was evacuated when a man was found in possession of a book of poetry. The edition of Shelley’s ‘Revolt of Islam’ was destroyed in a controlled explosion. The man has been entered into a local hospital where he’s being reintroduced to the literary greats: J.K. Rowling, Dan Brown, Jilly Cooper, Jackie Collins, and Andy McNab.

Finally, voters have today decided that education in Britain is to change radically as schools abandon ‘boring’ subjects. ‘Jet Skiing’ and ‘Body Piercing’ are to replace Maths and English as the foundation subjects, whilst pupils will be able to choose from an expanded curriculum that includes ‘Happy Slapping’, ‘Txt Spk’, ‘Booty Shaking’, ‘Glamour Modelling’, ‘Doing Cars With Neons’, ‘Dealing with your Elders: Staring, Sneering, and Scaring’, ‘Insult Management’, ‘Hairstyles of the Rich and Famous’, and every child’s favourite course, ‘I Have Talent! Make me a Star, You Bloody Ignorant Bastards!’

In a late breaking development, the UK is to be made into a Republic with Ant & Dec to take the first joint presidency. Speaking to the newly established ‘House of Us Lot’, the chirpy happy-go-lucky Presidents said they were delighted with the state of the nation and declared: ‘Whe-hey the lads!’

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