In a move sure to please many and offend very few, Jamie Oliver declared himself God on Tuesday; a radical career change that was precipitated by what Mr. Oliver described as ‘a great sense of my wishing to state the bleeding obvious’. In recent months, he had been complaining that he had been inexplicably adopting an ethereal form but on Sunday night, as he finally escaped his corporeal body completely, he decided the moment had come to make his announcement. The news has already received a blessing from Number 10 Downing Street, where the Prime Minister was said to be ‘delighted’ by the news, and promised ’substantial government support for whatever plans Jamie has for the future’. Meanwhile, the Pope has condemned the news and in a speech to crowds at the Vatican, vowed that he will ‘not give up my full-fat German knackwurst for anybody.’

Mr. Oliver began his first day as a deity by writing out his own list of ten commandments, which he hopes will replace those of the Old Testament in British schools. ‘They’re yesterday’s news, Grandad!’ he said, addressing believers in the form of a burning eccles cake. In addition to nutritional advice for school children, the Commandments include advice on kitchen cleanliness and ‘how to sound Cockney’. The Ninth and Tenth Commandments are thought to be the most controversial. ‘Weareth thy sneakers with thy evening wear’ and ‘Lispeth liketh Thy God Lispeth’ are already causing some splits in the New Church of Jamie. Both Orthodox and Reforming wings have said to have emerged, with both promising to fight the rival religion of the Gordon Ramseyites, the religious sect who believe in the coming of the Great Apocalypse of Smash.

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