Menzies Campbell Hopes to Seduce in Brighton
The scenes may be more reminiscent of Thomas Mann’s Death in Venice, but the setting is Brighton in mid-September, as old-time romantics gather this week to rekindle their affair with the Liberal Democrats and their creed of free love for the over 65s. Their leader, Sir Menzies Campbell, is perhaps the most notable suitor for affection in a town awash with the nation’s unloved. He arrived at Brighton over the weekend with a look in his eye that speaks volumes about his intentions for the conference. ‘I’m slightly young, somewhat free, but unquestionable handsome,’ he declared to an adoring group of senior citizens in town to petition for the compulsory fitting of corks on all knitting needles. Sir Menzies listened attentively as they explained the dangers inherent in knitting-one and then pearling-one, but all the time, watching as he sucked away at the waxy arm of a pair of Ray-Bans, one could sense the man’s desperate longing. ‘If only these people would love me,’ he confessed as we later walked the length of Brighton Pier looking for Lib Dems willing to believe in his vision, or, at the very least, look after his dentures, truss, and paste-on chest hair while he took a dip in the sea.
At moments such as these, Sir Menzies’s appeal is undeniable. Decked out in an old well-worn dinner jacket and a pair of orange underpants, he looks younger and fitter than any leader since Lloyd George posed for the 1917 Liberal Party’s swimwear calendar. ‘I knew his father,’ Sir Menzies reminds us in a momentary lapse that hints towards his real age. But then he’s back to declaring his passion for ‘the great game’, as he calls conference politics. ‘I do love Brighton in mid-September,’ he told us. ‘I can smell the desperation for all those who want to find a little love before the end of the season.’ He smiled a slightly lecherous smile. ‘They might think I’m passed it, but these young ones have yet to learn how an old dog can teach them a few new tricks.’
September 18th, 2006 at 9:45 pm
oooh dear I feel mildly nauseous. That is not a pretty picture to see before one heads up the wooden hill to bedfordshire. Hubbie. you are on the sofa…. >
September 18th, 2006 at 9:53 pm
I just don’t get it… Women are supposed to find Sean Connery very attractive. And here we have a man of similar years who is hairy-at-one-end/bald-at-the-other and with a lovely Scottish accent. It must be something to do with his policies. That’s all I can think…
September 18th, 2006 at 10:25 pm
Sigh, I’ll explain it to you. Sean Connery WAS attractive during his Bond/Hitchcock era, he held on to these looks for a few years and then women had George Clooney and it was “Sean Who?” Then Brad came along and it was “George Who?” Then George very cleverly made a picture where he stood beside Brad and many women went “oooh George better again” and that fasinating social history takes us up to where we are today (roughly)
September 18th, 2006 at 11:02 pm
LOL.
(I *hated* ‘Oceans Twelve’).
However, I’m sure Sir Menzies then came along and women said ‘Brad Who?’ and ‘George Who?’ For goodness sake: the man’s an athelete! He can run the 100 metres in 7.3 seconds. All I’ll say is you should see him in lycra. Women often say it looks like he’s got an extra set of dentures ‘down there’. And they happen to be right.