In order to remain a respected news organisation and, certainly, one of the few independent of the large media corporations, The Spine has always been careful to avoid endorsing products. However, Mr. Theo Spark has emailed to ask if we might promote a scheme he has euphemistically (and somewhat modestly) described as ‘The Theo Spark S**t List’.

Although we question the use of profanity in a medium as moderate and family friendly as the internet, we would like commend Mr. Spark on his plan, which we believe will be the ‘Live Aid’ for this generation. By coming up with this event, the organiser stands (in our unbiased opinion) above even the saintly Bob Geldof as a humanitarian of the highest order. Consequently, our board of directors have now met with editorial staff and, after many hours of debate in a smoke filled room, we are pleased to nominate the following for inclusion in Mr. Spark’s admirable list of things to be ‘thrown out with the rubbish’.

Most obvious: the current Labour Government
Even more obvious: Charlotte Church
And for the love of humanity: Bono

But less obviously, we humbly nominate:

The ubiquitous Ricky Gervais and his Flanimals Arse antlers Chinese tattoos ‘Pimped up’ cars Alan Carr Smoking jackets BBC1 Jonathon Woss and his more annoying and less talented brother People (and their brothers) who claim to be ‘film critics’ (see above) Professionalism People who don’t know when to use the widescreen mode on their TVs Cardboard soles in slippers (they rot) Emmerdale (it rots) Russian billionaires (there’s something rotten) The Office Christmas Specials The Office of the Deputy Prime Minister The Orifice of the Deputy Prime Minister Tartan Ads depicting real or computer-generated infected toenails Davina McCall. The word ‘spondoolies’ Government targets Middle management Senior management Man management Compulsory education beyond the age of thirteen The feminization of male culture Grooming products (see above and see, also, Jonathon Woss) Health & Safety Shopping channels The Independent TV ads for debt repayment, heath insurance, and any kind of ointment Pele Anything Pele advertises Being asked if you want help to pack your bags at the supermarket Charlotte Church Birthdays Logos Advertising Gravel Tanning salons Self-chosen nicknames: e.g. Posh Spice. Posh Spice Old Spice Geri Halliwell (see above) Water features Any poem quoted by Alan Titchmarsh Alan Titchmarsh Most people called Titchmarsh The term ‘big is beautiful’ The postcode KN 08 Tarmac pavements Toby Mugs Peaches Geldof Dentists Websites that contain fake news

Sovereign Rings Conceptual art 3 for 2 deals in bookshops Top 10 lists Top 100 lists People who comment on top 10 lists People who comment on top 100 lists Pundits in general (see people called Woss) The Sky News ticker The Sky News presenter who looks like a squirrel Squirrels People who look like squirrels Hazel Blears (see above) Shagpile carpets Jim Rosenthal Channel 5’s ‘freaky health’ documentaries All Tate Galleries 4×4s on roads Pit holes in roads A***holes in 4×4s Brad Pitt never appearing in Holes Charlotte Church Anything made by the Nestle Lyrca and Spandex (what’s the difference?) Jamie Oliver Little Britain TV talent shows Those kids playing football outside Soul music Will Young Girl / Boy bands Coffee cups so big they need two handles (you’re drinking from a bucket…) Lily Allen Piccolos Pit bulls The ‘New’ Bullseye Charlotte Church Big Brother Reissued Star War DVDs Sophia Coppola (see ‘Lost in Translation’) 90% of all blogs and bloggers (chiefly U.S.) The phrase ‘you’ve ruptured it’ Playboy stationary, t-shirts, and children’s toys Bells on bikes and any law making them compulsory Euan Blair’s perks Jade Goody Mincemeat Prosaic titles: from ‘I Can’t Belive It’s Not Butter’ to ‘Snakes on a Plane’… Four cheeses pizzas Tracy Emin Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mitch but certainly not Tich Nepotism Charlotte Church People who claim to have made it on their own yet have famous parents

This entry was posted on Sunday, September 24th, 2006 at 1:53 pm and is filed under News . You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.