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Ex-footballer, movie hard-man, and the award-winning screenwriter of ‘Brokeback Mountain’, Vinnie Jones, has declared his hopes to win a seat for the Conservative Party in the near future. Said Jones: ‘I’m a straight talking guy who ain’t like your average Tory candidate. I’m from the mean streets, handy with my fists, and never run away from a fight. I also believe in an essentially Burkean model of conservative governance, as outlined in his treatise “Reflections On the Revolution in France”, in which the march of progress is always moderated by a rational understanding of older forms of knowledge passed down to us through the ages.’

Jones was speaking from his favourite dog track in East London where he was presenting awards to the nation’s best whippet breeders. Admiring the form of champion dog, ‘Speedy Ted Bovis III’, he explained: ‘In many ways, being a Tory is a lot like being a whippet: we’re lean, mean, election winning machines but in the past few years we’ve been hindered from running our best, as though somebody had wrapped a rubber band around our testicles. But now we’re free and with a passion for rabbit.’

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