Fat Boy Slim’s refusal to allow the Conservative Party to use his song, ‘Funk Soul Brother’, has embarrassed George Osbourne at the party conference in Bournemouth. Osbourne’s appearance on the stage wearing a two foot afro was ‘meant to symbolize how far the party has come in broadening its appeal to a younger and more ethnically diverse audience,’ explained a spokesman. ‘The plan was for him to lead the shadow cabinet in a dance out of the hall, just like they do in the video to Mr. Slim’s most enjoyable tune. Without it, all we had was the afro and an old Lonny Donnigan LP. They didn’t really go together…’

Said one Tory supporter who was in the hall for the shadow chancellor’s speech: ‘He looked like poor-pictures cheaply and unprofessionally layered over an image of himself. It was a poor show indeed.’

Tories are only taking comfort in the knowledge that tomorrow promises a spectacular conclusion to the conference as Oliver Letwin and David Willets tap dance in an all-star tribute to the Big Band sound in conservative thinking. ‘At least we’ve got the rights to use that music,’ said chief Tory choreographer, Edith Middins. ‘Oliver’s got a lovely turn of the ankle and though he refuses to talk about tax, David Willets will be more than happy to talk about taps.’

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