Terror Suspects to Replace Sex Offenders in Schools
Minister for Education, Ruth Kelly, has decided to put an end to the current crisis in her department. Addressing the problem of known sex offenders working in schools, Ms. Kelly will this week announce that all individuals with such convictions be relieved of their duties. ‘The shortfall in staff will be covered by putting known terror suspects in schools’, she explained. ‘This way, well at least know where these people are at all times and we can be sure they’re not out there plotting something more nefarious.’
Speaking of his new appointment to Grimsby High School where hell lead the woodwork lessons, Abu Hamza, the soon-to-be chisel-handed cleric, declared ‘I spit on these people with their decadent ways of carpentry. They don’t know a mortise from a tenon.’
In the meantime, sex offenders will be retrained as suicide bombers and used in the construction industry. ‘We can always use them,’ admitted John Prescott, touring one of the inner city sites he hopes to soon see demolished. ‘There are plenty of blots on the British landscape that could do with coming down,’ he added, sneering at the newly restored dome to St. Pauls. ‘And I can think of at least half a dozen other cathedrals that take up prime space where we could put down a bit of tarmac and make some decent car parks.’
This brings a new level of complexity to the governments use of so-called integrated policy making. Tony Blair has already outlined how troop deployment problems in Iraq will be solved by using ex-Tory and Lib Dem party leaders for front-line troops, and Gordon Brown will soon announce a new environmental scheme, known within Downing Street as ‘Soylent Green’, for making cheap food available whilst also solving the pension’s crisis. Details have yet to emerge except one official was heard to cry ‘it’s made from people!’
