The government has announced plans to allow GPs to perform operations in their local surgeries, thereby helping to reduce the chronic shortages within NHS hospitals. The plans, announced by the Health Secretary, Patricia Hewitt, on Monday, include the installation of so-called flat-pack operating theatres within the grounds of GPs’ surgeries.

Looking somewhat alarming like a normal garden shed, the sterile environment of the theaters contain the very latest medical equipment including bent nails to hang things on, a Black and Decker dual-height workbench, a discarded clothes line that no longer twists in the wind, and a pair of old Wellington boots that now leak but will be fixed the next time somebody remembers to buy some rubber glue.

‘This is a breakthrough in what we can get done at a local level,’ said Hewitt as she toured the first of the so called ‘Hewitt Huts’ in Bromley, Kent. ‘I can already imagine patients coming in here to have their hemorrhoids or varicose veins fixed.’ Asked if she would like to have a delicate hemorrhoid operation performed with a rusty pair of pliers, Hewitt replied: ‘I think if I was in pain, I wouldn’t care what the doctor used, but you can also be sure that the government is committed to provide every doctor in Britain with their own pair of pliers and that is a real improvement, in the surgery, for real patients, asll thanks to a Labour government.’

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