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Despite all the security that money can buy, a photo of Tom Cruise’s marriage to Katie Holmes has already been leaked onto the web. The photo shows the post-wedding celebrations where Cruise poses with some of his friends from the Church of Scientology. Said Chancellor Gurgle Bloop Bloop of the Zeta-4 delegation: ‘Tom asked us to come down and see him wed his Earth mate and we were quite happy to do so. We were already in the quadrant to destroy the Fribut enclave on Quana 8. We gave Tom their quingoid glands as a wedding present. He seemed genuinely touched.’

Even critics of the actor’s involvement in the church founded by author L. Ron Hubbard admitted that the appearance of aliens goes some way to justifying the religion’s sometimes outlandish claims. ‘Isn’t that Marvin the Martian from the Bugs Bunny cartoons standing next to Tom?’ asked one in an awestruck bystander before approaching to ask for an autograph. It is thought that the diminutive cartoonish actor vapourised the critic with a ray gun which he had borrowed from Marvin the Martian.

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