The Vatican confirmed, late Sunday night, that scholars are searching the ancient texts for clues as to where and when the three remaining horsemen of the apocalypse might appear after it was confirmed that Take That have returned to the top spot of the UK charts. Said theologian and ex-BBC DJ, Brother David ‘Diddy’ Hamilton, from his retreat at the Grey Monk’s Priory, Clacton-on-Sea: ‘the guys have surprised conventional wisdom within the industry. The only people to predict this is the writer of a fragment found in the Gnostic gospels. I refer, of course, to the mystical Testament of Wogan which speaks of dark days when a Mancunian band will awaken and walk among the living. I never thought they’d manage it without Robbie Williams but it seems the papyrus never lies. We should all now spend time praying for our souls.’

The number one hit single, ‘Patience’, has now been retrospectively interpreted as a song about waiting for judgement day and has been added to the Vatican’s library of banned books and recordings. The band remain unrepentant. ‘We never intended that the world should end,’ said baby-faced singer and omen of doom, Mark Owen. ‘We just wanted to make a record in a cheerful key yet including a horn solo for our friend Gabriel.’

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