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Scientists believe they had discovered the cause of Peter Hain’s unprecedented level of finger-pointing after the Northern Ireland secretary’s latest outburst put extra strain on the Anglo-Russian relationship over the weekend. A chemical identified as the chief ingredient in Mr. Hain’s spray-on suntan has caused a rare form of gigantism in his hands, which, according to experts, makes it impossible for the poor man to stop pointing his fingers at people.

‘It looks like he’s always pointing out the faults in other people, but this is a real medical condition,’ said Dr. Ralph Soper, head of Gigantism Research at the University of London. ‘Mr. Hain is one of those people who make up a small fraction of the population who suffer a reaction to this chemical. We hope that the gigantism can be reversed with the right treatment but we should be prepared for more finger pointing in the short-to-medium term. His hands are the size of large frying pans and with fingers that big, he will find it impossible to be his usual diplomatic self.’

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