The inhabitants of Hell have condemned the government’s decision to turn the underworld into a ‘respect zone’ where ministers intend to impose standards of behaviour on local residents.

‘We lived despicable lives and we deserve the right to be flailed by red-hot lashes dipped in vinegar until judgement day,’ said one demonic presence who preferred not to be named. ‘Or at least, we should be forced to undergo centuries of unnecessary dental work without having to worry about good manners.’

Another banished soul, ‘John’, spoke under the promise that his real identity would be protected. He explained how he had been a sinner all his life, had a dozen mistresses, committed unspeakable acts of cruelty to chickens, and voted Liberal Democrat at more than a dozen elections. ‘I don’t see why we’re being singled out for what is essentially a lifestyle choice,’ he said from his pit of burning sulphur.

The scheme is part of the government’s tough new drive to reduce low level crime in troubled areas. Louise Casey, who advises the Home Office on anti-social behaviour, explained that ‘all the lower circles of hell will have to agree to strict anti-social measures if they want to recieve extra government resources’. Opponents of the scheme point out that since Hell is not technically British soil, the British taxpayer should not be funding any schemes not bound by British law.

‘I never voted for Tony Blair,’ said a bearded middle-manager of Hell. ‘I worked in the civil service under the Tories and then New Labour. I guess that’s why they’ve given me this job down here.’

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