PRESS RELEASE: As is our long standing custom on the last day of the year, The Spine today announces its annual prophecies endorsed by the Russell Grant School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

Each year, our resident team of experts in the fields of human sciences, astrology, celebrity gossip, and politics, comes together to peer into the crystal ball and forecast the ten most likely events to occur the following year. The Spine has a hard earned reputation for getting its predictions right. An average of nine out of every ten prophecies have come to pass each year since 1968.

After careful consideration, our panel has decided that the following ten events are the most likely to happen in the next twelve months.

10. Jeffrey Archer becomes the new Mayor of London and, by a strange unexplained quirk of the voting process, he is also announced as the new Archbishop of Canterbury, Vice Chancellor of Oxford University, and the UN Secretary General.

9. The deposed mayor Ken Livingstone wins Big Brother after dressing in a green body suit and pretending to be a newt.

8. Bono gives up music for a full time political career.

7. Gordon Brown gives up politics in order to front U2.

6. David Blunkett releases a second volume of memoirs. It quickly outsells the first when a woman in Henley mistakenly buys it thinking it’s by David Beckham.

5. The FA announces the completion of Wembley Stadium before The Daily Mail reveal that all the seats are made in Germany to a standard buttock size unsuited to the British posterior. The FA agree to knock the new Wembley down and reconstruct the old Wembley. The British buttock is saved.

4. Lembit Opik dumps his Cheeky Girl when he becomes infatuated with BBC weatherman Daniel ‘And That’s Your Weather’ Corbett. When his advances are spurned, he takes to the skies and seeds the clouds with silver iodide thereby changing the weather and proving Corbett’s forecasts wrong. By an odd coincidence, this makes all of Sian Lloyd’s forecasts correct and the couple are reunited in a rainstorm which washes away all the tears.

3. Paul McCartney loses his divorce proceedings and has to remain married to Heather for good.

2. UK blogging will become bigger than Premiership football. The Spine will be relegated to a muddy field in Dagenham.

1. Faced with the possibility of prison, Tony Blair decides to remain in office, declares himself ruler for posterity and his son, Euan, his eventual successor. It takes a collation of the willing led by the United States to overthrow him with the usual hilarious results.

This entry was posted on Sunday, December 31st, 2006 at 9:30 am and is filed under News . You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.