Hellooo there!

I was sooo delighted when I was asked to be this week’s guest editor of The Spine. Being the ex-wife… Oops!!! Nearly tripped up there! I better start again. I don’t want Paul’s lawyers to come after me. I’m sooo innocent, don’t you know? And lawyers are sooo like landmines. They are just sooo horrible…

Sooo, being the soon-to-be-ex-wife of a super rich meanie like Paul McCartney means I don’t have much time in the week to devote to some of my favourite hard-luck causes such as myself. What with defending my innocence in court and trying to wring every last penny from that stingy old sod… I wouldn’t mind but he wouldn’t have even joined the bloody Beatles if I hadn’t told him to. He wanted to go and form his own band called ‘Paul’s Jellied Heels’. It was me who told him he should go with the Merseybeat sound. He was more interested in the sound of the River Dee. I told him it would never be in the same league of major UK tributaries as the River Mersey. But that’s Paul all over. Doesn’t know a thing about rivers…

Yet the media sooo take his side! But I suppose they would, wouldn’t they? They don’t know I wrote ‘Yesterday’ for him. Of course, I’m not supposed to say a thing because everybody has to believe Paul when he says it came to him in a dream… The only song that came to him in a dream was that damn ‘Frog Chorus’ and I’ve never bothered to tell him he only came up with that tune because I was lying awake in bed with my stomach churning away after I’d had a curry at a do for the landmine appeal. Sooo, in a way, you might say I wrote that song for him too.

Anyhoo, I don’t like to mention my false leg but when I first got my false leg, I did wonder about having one made from good quality wood or something exotic. That’s when I wrote ‘Ebony and Ivory’. It was before I decided on plain old fashioned knotted pine, which I could never get to rhyme. Paul turned the song all racial and did that thing with Stevie Wonder but I’ll let you know that bit about living together in harmony was originally meant to be about my knees.

And did I mention I wrote all them songs with John Lennon? Yoko Ono rang me up yesterday – see how I used the word ‘yesterday’ there? I use it all the time. It’s sooo one of my words that it should be sooo obvious I wrote that song. Anyway, Yoko rang me up yesterday. We’re like sisters, me and Yoko. I loved what she did with that purple giraffe and a bucket of tapioca last year. Sooo artistic… Well, Yoko said how much John had loved me and I said I loved John too, though we never met and we just wrote some of the world’s most popular songs together. Yoko said I should keep up my chin because John always said that I had a good heart. I told her that he had a good heart too. I also said I thought he had lovely wang judging from the pictures I’ve seen. He hated landmines too, sooo we also had that in common.

Anyhoo, it’s so good to be out among people who like me for who I am and everybody at The Spine has been sooo supportive of my cause that I’m happy to do my part this week. I’m sooo sure this will be a fun week with plenty of things to make you smile. Nothing in poor taste, of course. And no jokes about landmines. Did I mention that they’re sooo horrible?

Sooo, that’s about it from me for now. But if you’re ever in the market for a deliciously witty blonde date, send me copies of your last three bank statements. No gentleman callers before 10AM and I prefer rich Arabs or men who own their own woodworking business.

Love,

Heather
xxx

This entry was posted on Tuesday, January 2nd, 2007 at 1:54 pm and is filed under Editorial . You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.