The NHS has been put on a state of high alert to the dangers of a new strain of superbug known as Staphylococcus Patricia Hewittus. Resistant to all known forms of government accountability, the only way the bug can be destroyed is through a process of nationwide polling known as ‘a general election’.

‘This is one of the most resistant bugs we’ve had to deal with inside our hospitals,’ said Professor Felix Meadow of East Burpington Hospital. ‘I’ve seen countless patients suffering from all the classic symptoms of Staphylococcus Patricia Hewittus but I’ve had to turn them away because there’s nothing we can do for them. All we can do is to tell our patients to go wash their hands and think more carefully about the kind of people they elect into office.’

The bug is thought to have developed in the Leicester region when experts believe it jumped from rats to chickens and then mutated into a minor irritant that only troubled people at a local level. Now that it has gone national, the only hope is that it won’t become a pandemic by entering the Foreign Office. Experts are monitoring the career of current Foreign Secretary Margaret Beckett with concern but are having trouble because, as one observer puts it, ‘it’s very hard to figure out how she’s feeling.’ The World Heath Organisation are closely monitoring the situation and have issued a press release warning that ’should Staphylococcus Patricia Hewittus reach the Foreign Office, heaven knows what kind of destruction it could cause.’

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