Hello!

Tom Cruise here. No, it’s really me. I was just walking past this guy on his mobile and I thought it would be a cool thing to take it off him and talk to the person at the other end. Now I’m landed with editing this website for the week.

Well, I’m not one to waste an opportunity like this. So, now I want you to look deeply into my eyes… deep… you’re feeling sleepy. You’re feeling very SLEEPY! Listen to my soft gentle voice. You know you want to join the Scientologists… You want to join the…

Only kidding!

God! I SO love that joke. Freaks people out. You see! I am a fun guy. I like a laugh. I like to joke as much as the next guy. Nothing creepy about me. L. Ron Hubbard enjoyed a joke too so don’t you be believing anything anybody tells you on that score. There’s nothing paranormal about old Tommy boy… Good old Tom. Stuff of the American dream. Though if you give me any of that psychology crap we’ll have to take it outside. I mean there’s nothing I hate MORE… than being TOLD… how to FEEL… about THINGS… OKAY?

Only joking!

Jeez, you people are just so gullible! You see what I was doing there? That was called acting. You know, I’ve been a pretty successful actor in my time. Rainman, Mission Impossible, Born On the Fourth of July, Battlefield Earth… Oh, hang on. That was Johnny Travolta’s film. And a damn good film too. And I mean on an EMOTIONAL level. And he did the whole film without makeup. Hmm… Probably shouldn’t have said that. Might have let the old Thetan cat out of the bag.

But what I really wanted to say was lots of young actors ask me how to get on in the business without becoming a Scientologist, and I tell them that I won’t pretend that it’s not tough, you know, but they should perhaps try saying things in a normal calm voice and then suddenly SHOUT AT THE END! And if they can kick a chair over, then hey! We’re talking serious acting. Golden Globes. Oscars. That’s acting at a very HIGH level.

Now, since you brought up my height — and don’t think I missed that little-height related crack there — I’d like clear something up. I’m not actually short. There, I’ve said it. My problem has always been that I wear lots of clothes with horizontal lines. I like horizontal lines. I’m a horizontal line kind of guy. People often stop me and say ‘My God Tom! What’s with the horizontal?’ I have to tell them that horizontal is the way to go. Then their mobile usually goes and I have to answer it. Talk to their mother. Say ‘Hey, this is Tom Cruise. You’re on the Scientologist hotline! Give us your mailing address and I’ll send you some leaflets!’

So, there you have it. Cameras tend to make me look short. I’m actually six feet two. Taller than Schwarzenegger. Did you know that? More handsome too, though I say it myself. Katie agrees. Don’t you Katie? Look, she’s nodding. But I haven’t got muscles like Arnie because he’s into all that body building, which if you ask me is slightly whacko… And that ain’t no psychological term, before you say anything. I’ve warned you about that BEFORE!

Anyway, I hope you Thetans enjoy reading The Spine this week while I’m editing it. You want me to ring any of your friends up during the week, just tell me. I’m there. Phone goes… I’m standing close by… You better be quick before I answer it and overwhelm your caller with my superstardom. Let’s face it: you won’t want to be following that conversation. From Tom Cruise to yadda yadda yadda about your cat? Please!

Okay, that’s it. Don’t forget the Scientology thing. I’ve left leaflets.

Beam me up Thetan High Command!

Tom

This entry was posted on Sunday, January 14th, 2007 at 1:10 am and is filed under Editorial . You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.