Launching the new Conservative Campaign North, David Cameron has admitted that the party ‘ain’t doing well up north’ and announced that William Hague is to become his spokesman for the region. Speaking in Bradford, Cameron went on to declare a change of heart within the party and, in an unusual move, began his speech with a song:

There are Greens in the world.
There are UKIPs.
There are Loons and Lib Dems, and then
There are those that follow old Marx, but
I’ve never been one of them.

I’m a modern Tory,
And have been since before I was born,
And the one thing they say about Tories is:
They’ll take you as so your butties are prawn .

Because…
Every vote is sacred.
Every vote is great.
If a vote is wasted,
Maggie gets irate.

The north has traditionally been a stronghold of the Labour Party who the Tories have attacked for their cunning tactics of speaking to the locals in their own language. ‘We Conservatives also understand what it’s like to live in areas of unemployment, poverty, and poor quality jobs and housing,’ said Hague. ‘We go on holiday to the Caribbean every year.’

‘It’s really not on,’ said Cameron in his speech to flat cap wearing party workers. ‘The Labour Party slyly nominate local candidates for election and then ignore the important issues affecting London in favour of things that relate to loud-mouthed mill owners not short of a few bob, blue club comics, and blackpudding eaters. They were not elected to a London parliament in order to talk about issues affecting people hundred of miles away!’

The drive is meant to fight the perception that the modern Conservative Party is the party for plumy-voiced southern toffs in pinstripe suits discussing London taxes and the plight of their holiday homes in rural England. Said the party’s junior spokesman on Northern Affairs, Sir Hugo Remmington Wittington-Potter: ‘We have to get the message across that we Tories care about the plight of our Northern brethren. Gone are the days when we would make fun of northern accents or make cheap jokes at the expense of those hub-cap thieving Liverpudlians, the imbecilic folk of Yorkshire, or indeed, the rather common people of Manchester. We’d really like their votes and the votes of their spouses, who probably happen to be either their brother or sister.’

This entry was posted on Saturday, January 20th, 2007 at 1:00 am and is filed under News . You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.