It has emerged that faltering Premiership club West Ham United are to offer their supporters a funeral service. The club plan to provide plots of land where their most loyal fans can choose to be buried. The plots will occupy unused areas of the football club mainly around the opposition’s goal mouth.

‘I can’t remember when any of our players ventured into that area of the pitch so we thought we’d use it for something else,’ explained new club chairman Eggert Magnússon. ‘My first suggestion was to use that land for some kind of herring retail but Alan told me that the smell of fresh fish might put off some of his players.’

‘That’s right,’ said team manager, Alan Curbishly, ‘we had the choice of fresh fish or dead supporters. In the end, I think we made the right choice. This plan is best for our supporters who can be sure that their graves will be respected. Even on match days, it’s like a graveyard down that end of the ground.’

The FA are now said to be looking at the plans which would involve all visiting goalkeepers to Upton Park wearing black and bringing flowers.

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