News for would-be authors everywhere. After penning her latest novel, glamour model, humanitarian, and spokesperson for the plastics industry Jordan announced that her much publicised breast implants actually improved her literary output. ‘It’s true,’ she explained to the London Review of Books. ‘And what’s more: they’re fully endorsed by both Oxford and Cambridge University presses. Not only do they give me somewhere to hold my pens when I’m considering the scansion of my lines, but they have inspired some of the symbolism that my fans now come to expect’.

The unexpected transition from soft-porn role model to literary great has not been an easy one. ‘It plays hell with my nails,’ she said. ‘I don’t know how Virginia Woolf coped…. I guess that’s why she ended up killing herself.’

Asked if she had started work on her next novel, Jordan beamed. ‘You’ll have to wait and see, but I shouldn’t expect anything for a few years. I’ve decided that nothing less than a thousand pages will do from now on. I see myself as the spiritual successor to Henry James but with bigger tits.’

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