Breasts! Lovely lovely breasts. Get ‘em while they’re hot!

That got your attention, sure enough, so it did! But ain’t that the kind of girl I am? In your face. I mean ‘IN YOUR FACE’. No messing about. Top model, top wife, top mother, and now according to ‘Conde Nasty Brides’ magazine, top bride as well. Can’t argue with that, can ya’? And that, ladies, is why I’m also a successful novelist. No pussyfooting around with me. Straight into the action. No plot. No setting the scene. Straight to the wobbly bits and make no mistake!

What I don’t understand is why some people still come up to me and say, m’lady, what’s the secret to your success? They should know by now but I’m quite happy to tell them, honestly, because that’s the kind of girl I am, that my secret is BREASTS!! Lovely lovely breasts. Big and pink. Get ‘em while they’re hot!

I say if you’ve got them, ladies, you want to flaunt them. They’ve given me so much confidence. Whenever I’m feeling shy around people I don’t know, I just get my breasts out and they always break the ice. Literally. They can do wonders, they can. Knock in nails. Ford rivers. Absorb CO2. They really are my two little darlings. The one on the right I call Tiffy and the one of the left I called Lulubelle. Some people might think I’m crazy, giving them names, but I think of them as real people. They are my bald little dwarves, always there a step ahead of me wherever I go.

I remember when my plastic surgeon was inflating my new implants from his tank of helium, he said I wasn’t to worry because he would go slowly. Well, I wasn’t having any of that! Tiffy and Lulubelle were doing a photo-shoot that afternoon for a lad’s mag. They couldn’t let the lads down. So I said to him, I said: ‘Doctor, you just open up that valve and think no more about it until I tell you to stop.’ And as you can see, I didn’t say stop for a very long time. But that’s just the kind of girl I am. I take charge. I’m a doer. I’m a charge-taking doer with very large breasts.

And I’m a role model too. Girls are always copying me. I’m a trend setter. Do you know why the most popular colour in this country is pink? It’s because it’s my favourite colour too, so it is. I love pink. Pink clothes, pink cars, pink houses, and of course, I love my big pink breasts. Pete loves pink too but Pete is just about the sweetest guy imaginable. Some people say he’s a bit creepy but I like that in a man. You listen to Jordan, girls: creepy is this year’s sexy. Life could only be more perfect if Pete was pink. Pink and creepy. But he’s brown. I keep hiding his bottle of fake tan but he always finds it. I do wish Pete could be more pink. Gives me goosebumps just thinking about it…

I say goosebumps but you know I have to be careful. The doctors have warned me that my implants have stretched my skin so tight that I could split open if I get too many goosebumps. Or pout too much. Or breath. In fact, I have to be pretty careful whatever I’m doing. Which is why I’m delighted to be editing The Spine this week. I’m sure I won’t be splitting apart. And I hope you won’t too.
Okay. Got to go. Me and Pete are going out shopping for vegetables. I love my veg and Pete loves coming with me. We spend hours going around greengrocers inspecting the fruit, testing the vegetables, feeling the melons. But ain’t that the kind of girl I am?

Luv

This entry was posted on Sunday, February 4th, 2007 at 7:51 pm and is filed under Editorial . You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.