TV’s favourite green finger, Monty Don, has warned gardeners to take care this year when planting unknown seeds after he accidentally grew a terrorist in his greenhouse.

‘It was a seed I didn’t recognise,’ said Monty. ‘I thought it would just be a little bit of fun planting it. I didn’t know what it would become but then, six weeks later, I turn around and who should I see but bloody Osama Bin Laden looking at me across my seedling tomatoes!’

‘These home grown terrorists are springing up all over the place,’ said Major Herbert P. Bloodnock, head of the UK’s counter terrorism task force. ‘The warm weather helps them get their roots down and, once they’re established, they shoot up and start shooting.’

Don disposed of his unwanted guest by hitting it across the head with a spade before burying it in his allotment where it will fertilise the soil ready for this year’s cabbages. He was later forced to apologise to Alan Titchmarsh for also hitting him across the head with a spade. ‘His homespun wisdom and wry anecdotes didn’t bother me at first,’ Don explained, ‘but as soon as he started to quote that poetry I’d hit him before I could stop myself.’

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