Midget Subbuteo, Monkeys With Hammers, and Graham Norton’s ‘Feel My Marrow!’ are among the line-up in ITV’s spring programmes which the company’s executive chairman, Michael Grade, promises will see a return of quality programming to the ailing channel.

‘I’m most pleased to see Midget Subbuteo in our schedule,’ said Grade at the launch of the spring programs. ‘It’s the sort of original ground breaking show we want to see on our screens. It’s also the first time that Penelope Keith has agreed to host a show, which adds a bit of class to what is effectively a standard game of Subbuteo football but with a novel twist I don’t want to give away at this time.’

The channel’s new chairman went on to announce the return of the News at Ten and an increasing output of factual programming. ‘I’m pleased to announce a return of quality documentaries to the channel,’ Grade said. ‘With shows such as “When Dogs Vomit”, “Celebrity Drinking Club”, and “Sexy Nuns” we think we’re making a valuable contribution to the cultural well being of this nation.’

Perhaps Grade left the biggest surprise until last. ‘I’m delighted to announce that we’re planning to air the whole of Charlotte Church’s pregnancy,’ he said. ‘It will culminate in a star studded show from the delivery room which we hope will be a night full of saucy language, witty banter and a reunion of the cast of Tiswas for some gunge and fun.’

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