‘That’s super, that’s great,’ stutters the seventy year old man sitting behind the desk. Clearly left confused after just witnessing a fifteen minute Jackson Five medley by a tone deaf vacuum cleaner salesman from Southend-on-Sea, Jim Bowen must be wondering what’s become of his once glittering career.

Replacing Louis Walsh as one of the judges for this year’s X Factor has been a difficult task for the ex-Bullseye presenter, despite all his protestations otherwise. ‘Oh, it’s super, it’s smashing, it’s just great,’ he says, ‘but if I have any criticisms at all, it’s that there aren’t as many trumpet players as I expected to find when I agreed to join the show.’

Trumpets (or the lack thereof) is a reason whey his old friend Tony Green advised him against taking part. ‘Well there are many reasons why I told him not to take the X Factor gig,’ says Green. ‘For ONE, he doesn’t need the money. For TWO, they don’t pay him enough. For THREE, the show doesn’t involve either darts or trumpets.’

Clearly, the trumpet is an important part of Bowen’s life. He has played the instrument since his youth and has long championed its use in championship darts. ‘I taught Jockie Wilson how to shoot darts out of a trumpet,’ explains Bowen. ‘We thought it would add to the mystery of the game but the governing body never took to the idea. Such a shame. Jockie had a fine set of lungs on him in his prime.’

Asked if he believes that this year’s X Factor contestants are up to those from yesteryear, Bowen’s jowls visibly droop. ‘I miss the clothes and hairdos of the early 1980s,’ he admits. ‘And because of inflation, I can’t count the prize money out in the space of a break. And where’s the speedboat? I asked Simon if we could give them all a speedboat and he refused. Wouldn’t even let me give them a caravan. A show like this and they won’t let me give the contestants a caravan! I’ve even be told that I can’t warn people about getting “two in a bed”. They tell me I can’t make value judgements like that about people’s lives.’ He looks to the door where the next contestant will soon appear.

‘And every time I look up,’ he finally confesses with tears in his eyes, ‘I expect to see Bully…’

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