Friday: Prime Minister Tony Blair took a welcome break from the troubles currently surrounding Labour Party donations in order to support Sports Relief, the UK-based charity set up to help morally impoverished sportsmen match the fundraising efforts of their morally impoverished counterparts in what is euphemistically still called ‘the arts’.

In a sponsored binge led by Steve Redgrave, Dame Tanni Grey Thompson, and darts-great Bobby George, Blair downed three full bottles of his favourite Russian vodka. In the process of drinking himself into a stupor, he raised twelve pounds twenty three pence and declared himself the next Bishop of Rome.

Said a slightly tipsy PM after the event: ‘What a great day, guys! I love you all… You really are beautiful people…You are… You are… You are… dirty, rotten, stinking bastards! You let me down. Just like I knew you would! Left me out there on my own… My arse hanging in the air like… like… that… Hey, I think I’ve soiled myself, guys! Aw, come on guys!’ Commentators are already considering this the most coherent policy statement to come out of the government for the last three years.

When challenged by reporters to respond to the latest allegations of financial irregularity in the Labour Party, a clearly angry Blair swung out a fist and punched a lamppost. Despite suffering some mild shock, the lamppost still managed to file its report for the BBC’s evening bulletin. In the meantime, Blair had been led away by security guards. He was last heard suggesting: ‘A Chinese? Who could go for a Chinese?’

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