Vatican officials are trying to track down the man they believe led mass as St. Peter’s yesterday before fleeing with a fleetness of foot normally attributed to athletes of the highest calibre. Said Det. Louis Haddock of the Vatican Police: ‘The stride pattern suggests that this gentleman probably runs the 100 meters in less than ten seconds and was educated at Oxford University’.

The man is thought to have entered the Vatican on a visitor’s pass before dressing up as the Pope and holding an audience with God during which God asked for help with his punctuation, spelling, and the rise of atheism. Three pilgrims claimed to have experience miraculous cures during the episode. Previously unable to detect any smell, they reported an odour they described as vaguely like that of the farmyard, possibly the smell of ‘bull’.

Before he made his escape, the imposter told worshippers that ‘there is only one true gospel and that’s The Gospel of the Archer, soon to be published in hardback and softback, available from all good bookshops. Buy it now people!’

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