According to scientific estimates, the mind of the average political pundit will store the thought of John Major romancing Edwina Curry in a pair of underpants for one hundred and fifty years. Some say that this makes death a better option in the short term.

This week, the Tories hope to erase the memory of Major-sans-pants, with the launch of their new film. It stars everybody’s favourite Green sled-hopping bike-riding hood-wearing groove-getter-downer-in, Lord-in-everything-but-name: mild mannered Dave Cameron. Quaintly titled: ‘Superman Returns’, the film is a 120 minute attempt to downplay many of Dave’s accomplishments. Instead of harping on about his charity work, the film chooses to portray him in more humble surroundings: such as saving the planet earth by catching meteors in his bare teeth.

‘I wanted the film to portray a softer side of the party,’ admits the self-proclaimed Man-of-Steel. ‘You know, outside my life in politics, I live a rather hum-drum existence as a super hero. And that’s the rather simple message I wanted to convey to the people of earth and any mutant galactic space villains who think of trying to push us around. So John Prescott: consider yourself warned.’

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