Fiendish Hungarian criminals have issued an ultimatum to BBC viewers: ‘Give us a million pounds or we’ll release Robin Hood on your primetime.’ Television experts are warning of the horror this will bring to a Saturday night only just recovering from the terror of Graham Norton and Dr. Who. It is understood that a note was delivered to BBC Centre, attached to an arrow fired through the Director General’s office window. A reply was sent but it is understood to have become lodged in Natasha Kaplinsky, who happened to be passing beneath the window at the time. A spokesman for the BBC admitted: ‘We’re now trying to reattach the note to another arrow, but Natasha’s making it hard for us as she won’t stop thrashing about.’

The Prime Minister has decided that former PM Margaret Thatcher would not receive a state funeral, but his office could not rule out the possibility that the honour might be permitted for other ministers and former ministers. ‘We’d quite like to arrange one for a certain Chancellor,’ admitted a spokesman. Meanwhile, Deputy Prime Minister John Prescott has admitted that as far as his own death is concerned, his funeral plans are straightforward. ‘I’m having myself a pyramid,’ he explained, ‘and I intend to be buried with a hundred civil servants who will serve me in the afterlife.’ He went on: ‘I have some big plans for the afterlife insofar as I’ve heard all about these here, ‘Elysian Fields’, which I intend to use for low cost housing for the working class cherubim.’

The sport of ‘cheese rolling’ has been banned after animal rights activists claimed it was disrespectful to dairy products. Although no cheese is actually involved in the sport, the art of ‘cheese rolling’ had become a popular pastime in the UK where it has been the cause of forty seven serious injuries this year, including the death of a 47 year old fitted-kitchen salesman from Norwich. From now on, the Dairy Council promises to investigate any misuse of the term ‘cheese’ and will prosecute any usage that ’seems inappropriate given the hard work and sacrifice that cows make each year in the production of our milk’. Acknowledging the change in the law, a government spokesman said: ‘We’re not about ruining people’s fun, but it’s a matter of being sensitive to the feelings of the cows. If people want to indulge in a bit of “rolling the fitted-kitchen salesman to his death”, then it’s fine by us.’

Environmental campaigners are protesting against government plans to leave John Prescott on standby over the summer recess. Widely quoted figures suggest that nearly 10% of Britain’s power is wasted in name of convenience. Figures produced by the government suggest the real waste is much lower, but this has done little to deflect the criticism that the Deputy Prime Minister should be turned off at the wall. ‘John does like his little red light,’ admitted an insider, ‘and we can’t do anything to persuade him otherwise.’

A newly-restored Conservative is about to go on show in a hanger in Weybridge. One of a fleet taken out of service in the nineties after nearly twenty years of service, the Conservative was for a while a byword for low inflation, low tax, and a society freed from the blight of government interference. In its heyday, it also halved the distance from London to Washington, though quite paradoxically, increasing that between London and Paris. Although the Conservative fell out of fashion with a voting public attracted to rival airways, slower and more power hungry jumbos such as the Prescott Airbus have meant there has been renewed interest in the Conservative.

A recent outbreak of nausea has finally been traced back to its source. Doctors’ surgeries across the UK reported a high incidence of vomiting, stomach cramps, nausea, and general feelings of dizziness throughout the month of June. Government health officials now believe this was due to graphic newspaper reports detailing John Prescott’s private life. They hope that now the cause has been identified, they can respond more quickly in the future. Meanwhile, they advise the public that should anyone find themselves looking at a report about the Deputy Prime Minister, they should immediate gorge themselves on Cadbury’s chocolate. In the long run, you will be thankful.

According to the latest police figures, street robberies jumped eight percent last month. This figure does not include the much publicised spate of street crimes, including the theft of ‘Primrose Gardens’, ‘Morticia Close’, and ‘Purley Lane’. Across the country, the disappearance of many of our most popular streets have been attributed to organised gangs who export them to China. Police insist they are addressing the issue.

Health Minister Caroline Flint has revealed plans to introduce “a “clear and specific ban” on methods of choosing the gender of a baby. Also to be criminalised are methods parents have used to choose the name of their baby. Putting ‘names in hat’, throwing darts at a dartboard, and the much criticised practise of going ‘eeny, meany, miney, moe’ are all to given a mandatory 10 year prison sentence.

The government has announced its long-awaited review of Britain’s nuclear power industry. In a far reaching nine hundred page document they conclude that ‘everything’s fine, there’s nothing to worry about… Pah! Those fish always had two heads. It’s genetics… What do we know? We’re politicians.’

Tony Blair signalled a new clampdown on antisocial behaviour, Tuesday, by telling unruly children to ‘pack it in and clear off before I call the coppers’. Speaking on an estate on the outskirts of London, Blair waved his fist in the direction of the would-be lawbreakers and, promising them that ‘I know your names’, he ruefully reflected on the fact that ‘they don’t even bloody-well live round here’.