Women drivers who take the night roads alone, now have a solution to their travel woes – an inflatable male passenger. The brainwave comes from car insurance firm, Shelia’s Wheels. Monica Pontoon, head of research and development, explained the reasoning for this oddly shaped passenger. ‘Johnny One is our first attempt to fill this niche in the market. Lone female drivers have had this problem for a long time, but now, with Johnny sitting by your side, you’re guaranteed that you won’t have any unwelcome male attention.’

Unfortunately, the prototype test doll failed in its sentry duties. During a demonstration in front of the assembled press, he was constantly interfering with his female driver. ‘I’m sure we’ll have it sorted out on the production models,’ said a clearly embarrassed Ms. Pontoon. ‘It’s the heat. It always makes Johnny a little randy.’

As Britain continues to suffer one of the hottest summers on record, the Met Office was forced to issue another warning about the effects of prolonged exposure to the heat. The warning comes only hours after Deputy Prime Minister, John Prescott, began to melt during a speech to Labour Party members in London.

As temperatures reached a record 36 degrees in the city, Prescott began to feel the strain. His difficulties became apparent with his claiming to have something in his eye. It turned out to be his right eyebrow that had sagged in the heat. It was only the quick thinking of a local party activist that saved the Deputy PM. An ice pack was put on his face and an aide was despatched to find a trowel. An hour later, his face restored by a local master plasterer, Prescott laughed off the incident, claiming that it was only a bit of make-up that had run. It was a story ridiculed by Terry Limstick, the plaster brought in to restore the DPM’s features. ‘Oh, he had gone, sure enough,’ said an amused Limstick. ‘It’s what we in the trade call thixotropy. To be honest, I was for doing him a nice bit of moulding around his throat but they told me to put it back as it was.’

Chancellor Gordon Brown has announced the name of new son. Some expected the boy to be named after one of the three hundred and twenty seven new taxes that Brown has introduced in the last decade, but against all odds, he has decided on calling the boy ‘James’.

The one day old James Brown was born on the 17 July and soon had his first hit, ‘Pappa’s Got A Brand New Treasury Bag’. This was followed up by the popular ‘Tax Machine’, though the subsequent single, ‘It’s a Taxman’s, Taxman’s, Taxman’s World’ failed to hit the same heights.

According to scientific estimates, the mind of the average political pundit will store the thought of John Major romancing Edwina Curry in a pair of underpants for one hundred and fifty years. Some say that this makes death a better option in the short term.

This week, the Tories hope to erase the memory of Major-sans-pants, with the launch of their new film. It stars everybody’s favourite Green sled-hopping bike-riding hood-wearing groove-getter-downer-in, Lord-in-everything-but-name: mild mannered Dave Cameron. Quaintly titled: ‘Superman Returns’, the film is a 120 minute attempt to downplay many of Dave’s accomplishments. Instead of harping on about his charity work, the film chooses to portray him in more humble surroundings: such as saving the planet earth by catching meteors in his bare teeth.

‘I wanted the film to portray a softer side of the party,’ admits the self-proclaimed Man-of-Steel. ‘You know, outside my life in politics, I live a rather hum-drum existence as a super hero. And that’s the rather simple message I wanted to convey to the people of earth and any mutant galactic space villains who think of trying to push us around. So John Prescott: consider yourself warned.’

John Prescott may have had a tough few days but Monday saw the Deputy Prime Minister emerge from the controversy surrounding his relationship with women, billionaires, and sanity, to express his love for the beautiful game. On a goodwill tour of China, he took time out of his busy schedule to share in the euphoria over the World Cup. Prescott posed with what his hosts explained was a replica shirt of their favourite in the tournament, leaving the Deputy Prime Minister to explain his passion for the sport. ‘I’m a simple man with simple tastes,’ he declared to reporters. ‘A good game of football makes me happier than anything. I spend many a weekend watching Italian football, which I believe is corruption in its purest form.’ He quickly corrected himself to say that he meant ‘football in its purest form’. Prescott refused to answer reporters’ questions and denied that football is in many ways just like politics. It was left to his press secretary to defend the sport. ‘You might all enjoy kicking a well-stitched-up ball of hot air but I think it’s terrible… John has feelings you know?’