Government officials have urged the nation to remain calm as the latest outbreak of the colour orange continues. ‘We believe that we’ve got it isolated in a single house,’ they said, Thursday, ‘but we urge people to remain vigilant as there’s a good chance it could break through our barriers sometime Friday evening. If you are approached by the colour orange, please report it to the authorities at once, and on no account give it any publicity. The colour orange spreads rapidly through the media and before you know it, it could have established itself on prime time television.’

Speaking to reporters, government health officer, Dr. Neville Turnpike Spears said: ‘the symptoms include a rapid decline in mental powers and an urge for celebrity that goes beyond anything ever seen before by medical science.’ The news will worry many who have witnessed the colour’s falling reputation since its heady days as one of the nation’s favourite un-rhymed word. A brief renaissance during the Nineties saw the colour once again at the height of its popularity but nothing could have predicted its current miserable condition. ‘I don’t know what to make of it,’ said Felicity Grubar, Director of the Orange Institute. ‘It was once the shade of Oompah Lumpah and our favourite type of chocolate fruit.’ Asked if she feared that the latest outbreak could match the last epidemic, known as ‘The Des O’Connor Syndrome’, Ms. Grubar went pale. ‘I sincerely hope not,’ she said. ‘For all our sakes: I pray that we can contain it in time.’

With the news that a second contender for the leadership of the Lib Dems may be about to fall from the race, a new would-be leader has emerged. Gary Glitter, a thirty-something social worker from London, has launched his bid to take his party into the twenty-first century on a platform of what he calls ‘proper liberal values’. This comes as Simon Hughes admitted to his having used gay chatlines and enjoyed both hetro- and homosexual affairs. Hughes’ supporters are now rallying around their candidate and challenging anybody who might believe that a person’s private life has any bearing on their public office. This comes only a matter of days after the Lib Dems’ Home Affairs spokesman, Mark Oaten, revealed his brief six-month romance with a London rentboy.

Mr. Glitter has become the new frontrunner and speaking from a brief fact-finding tour of the Far East, he reassured voters by claiming that ‘there are no skeletons in my cupboards… that’s just not my thing’. Meanwhile, though Sir Minges Campbell continues to gather supporters amongst the more traditional members, he will this week attempt to widen his appeal to the more liberal wing of his party by describing how he was himself once discovered complimenting his wife’s choice of light pink bedroom curtains with chintz trimmings. Sir Minges, a one-time Olympic sprinter will also assure his party by explaining that: ‘the one hundred meter sprint was more about running away from other men as it was about running after them.’

Gorgeous George Galloway has been outraged by the number of unflattering pictures that have been circulating in the media whilst he’s been enjoying the hospitality of the Big Brother house. ‘I didn’t go in there in order to be portrayed as a tweed-wearing Saddam sympathiser,’ he told reporters on Thursday in response to new footage that shows a cordial meeting he had with the Iraqi dictator’s son, Uday. ‘Where are all the pictures of me wearing spandex or pretending to be a cat? Can’t you guys do your job and give the people some real news?’

Speaking of his time in the house, Galloway admitted that he hadn’t connected with younger generation in the way that he had intended. ‘Those people were not what I had hoped to meet,’ he confessed. ‘They were vulgar in a way I hadn’t expected, and did little more than drink and talk dirty. Call me old fashioned, but I didn’t expect that kind of atmosphere. Unknown pop stars, failed comedians, and some American basketball player, were not my kind of people, and they were nothing like young Uday who at least knew how to make adult conversation. Personally, I blame poor parenting, which is an area where I could never fault Uday’s father who always behaved like a real gentleman.’

With the news that Prince Harry will soon be joining the Blues & Royals, Buckingham Palace today released pictures of the young prince joining his father and grandfather in one of their traditional pastimes. Hunting grouse on the family’s Balmoral estate in Scotland, Harry is said to have bagged himself over thirty birds, two watching paparazzi, and a passing tractor. Asked if he thought using an SA80 assault rifle, capable of firing 650 rounds per second, gave him much of an advantage, Harry replied: ‘My father told me that if I didn’t have an unfair advantage, there wouldn’t be much point my being royal would there…’

Prince Charles’ more traditional double-barrelled shotgun was carried by the traditional double-barrelled aid, whilst Prince Philip’s gun remained unloaded for much of the shoot as he preferred to knock birds out of the air with the force of his scattergun opinion. ‘Bloody rotten peasants,’ he was heard to shout, though his words might have been misheard as they were drowned out by gunfire, as Harry turned his laser-guided sights on a final grouse of the day.

Fans of Harry Potter have been queuing all day in London for a lead role in the next film version of the immensely popular books. In a radical departure from the plot of Rowling’s book, the film will attempt to inject a note of realism into the film with the introduction of a new professor, who, along with being a master of the Dark Arts, is also a registered sex offender hired by the Ministry of Witchcraft and Wizardry but only after close scrutiny and a series of strong warding spells had been placed upon him. It’s as yet unclear if Harry will have any run-ins with the teacher and even as the casting process has yet to be complete, there is already talk that the filmmakers might cut the character from the film.

‘The Harry Potter films are bywords for imagination and the suspicion of disbelief,’ said one producer, ‘but we have to draw a line somewhere. I believe the screenwriter was relying on the Wild Turkey a bit too heavily when he came up with this totally ridiculous idea.’

Minister for Education, Ruth Kelly, has decided to put an end to the current crisis in her department. Addressing the problem of known sex offenders working in schools, Ms. Kelly will this week announce that all individuals with such convictions be relieved of their duties. ‘The shortfall in staff will be covered by putting known terror suspects in schools’, she explained. ‘This way, well at least know where these people are at all times and we can be sure they’re not out there plotting something more nefarious.’

Speaking of his new appointment to Grimsby High School where hell lead the woodwork lessons, Abu Hamza, the soon-to-be chisel-handed cleric, declared ‘I spit on these people with their decadent ways of carpentry. They don’t know a mortise from a tenon.’

In the meantime, sex offenders will be retrained as suicide bombers and used in the construction industry. ‘We can always use them,’ admitted John Prescott, touring one of the inner city sites he hopes to soon see demolished. ‘There are plenty of blots on the British landscape that could do with coming down,’ he added, sneering at the newly restored dome to St. Pauls. ‘And I can think of at least half a dozen other cathedrals that take up prime space where we could put down a bit of tarmac and make some decent car parks.’

This brings a new level of complexity to the governments use of so-called integrated policy making. Tony Blair has already outlined how troop deployment problems in Iraq will be solved by using ex-Tory and Lib Dem party leaders for front-line troops, and Gordon Brown will soon announce a new environmental scheme, known within Downing Street as ‘Soylent Green’, for making cheap food available whilst also solving the pension’s crisis. Details have yet to emerge except one official was heard to cry ‘it’s made from people!’

News from the world of canine publishing. Senator Ted Kennedy’s dog, Splash, has authored a children’s book. With the trained eye and wily snout of a long time Washington insider, Splash explains the workings of American government based on his years spent watching his master at work. Anybody hoping that the book will reveal any of Ted Kennedy’s secrets will be disappointed, since the tale reveals more about Splash’s own troubled life and his fight against an addiction to Tuna Chunks.

Splash has been the source of many debates within Washington circles for years, with many questioning why Kennedy would name his dog, Splash, given the fateful events 18 June 1969, when Kennedy’s car crashed off a bridge and went plunging into the river at Chappaquiddick. In other news, next year will see the republication of the memoirs of John F. Kennedy’s dog, Grassy Knoll.

Was it Oscar Wilde who once said ‘it’s not how many lousy jobs you’ve had, but the style with which you go about losing them?’ Well, okay, I’m paraphrasing here, but it was probably Wilde who said that any bad job can’t be lost without a little imagination and a tube of superglue. Yet for those of you who want a more subtle way out of your current choice of tedium, I’d like to pass on a few pointers that might help turn you into an office legend. (more…)

To some, Charles Kennedy’s dethronement from the sometimes-dizzy heights at the top of the Liberal Democrat hierarchy has not been viewed with same widespread disappointment as to be found at the grassroots of his party. As lentil soup went cold on Friday evening in shocked homesteads across the South West of England, the news was a welcome relief to many up North who still remember the lofty ambitions of the young Kennedy and believed he would waste his prime years leading a minor political party into anonymity. Instead, they now believe his stepping down from leadership will finally allow Kennedy to return to his first love where his talents will not go unnoticed: the world of professional darts. (more…)

Charles Kennedy continues to fight for his political life tonight, as members of his party turn on him like a pack of rabid Ozzy Osbourne’s invading a free-range bat hatchery. Kennedy has enjoyed an unchallenged run as leader of Britain’s third party, but now looks increasingly likely to fall in the coming days after the revelation that he has been treated for a serious drink problem.

‘I don’t understand it,’ said Kennedy speaking to typically sober reporters on Friday, ‘the government has just introduced all-day licensing, and when Freddie Flintoff went on a 24 hour bender during the summer, everybody thought it wonderful. I confess to enjoying a tipple and I’m suddenly enemy number one. Perhaps I’m more in touch with public opinion than some people appreciate.’

Kennedy may have a point. In a recent survey, 24% of Brits thought that it was a private matter, whilst another 20% didn’t believe being drunk made much of a difference to how a politician functions. Only 10% thought it a problem, whilst the remaining 46% slid into the gutter where they tried to dislodge some dried garlic bread from a pocketful of change they hoped might pay for a taxi home.