Food giants Tesco today revealed plans to join forces with Everton FC and move into the world of football with their own brand of mid-table finishers. Said Bert Krump, head of new product lines, ‘we wanted to provide a cheaper alternative for those football fans that prefer to enjoy their sport without the usual headaches of cup finals, championships, penalty shootouts, and victory parades. We want to help Everton FC continue to provide this valuable service for many more years to come.’ Going on to explain this new development in highstreet retail, Krump explained: ‘Most of our customers think the whole idea of winning takes too much time out of their daily routine and so, by providing ready-packed disappointment in every Tesco store, they can enjoy their football certain that need never have to buy new flags or scarves just to announce things like their team having become European Champions.’

Everton fans responded angrily to news that turnstyles will now be replaced by express checkouts and season tickets replaced by Tesco clubcards. ‘Gutted,’ said Jake Spinach, an Everton fan of twenty years. ‘On matchday, I queued up for an hour to get in the ground. Then they turned me away because I had more than ten items in my basket.’ A tearful Spinach explained: ‘I just got confused. I didn’t realise a cabbage was classed as an item of grocery. I’m more used to them playing defensive midfield.’