Wooden acting has been blamed for the fire that tore through Pinewood’s 007 soundstage yesterday. Fire crews battled for five hours to control the blaze that broke out during filming of the finale to the new James Bond film, Casino Royale. Initial reports suggest that the line ‘Ah! We’ve been expecting you, Mr. Bond’ was to blame.

A source within the crew told The Spine that ‘they were all hamming it up quite a bit and the first thing we saw was smoke coming out of the back of Judi [Dench]. The next minute, the whole bloody place had gone up. That’s always been the problem with these Oscar winners. If they go wooden on you, it only takes a spark to set them off.’

After a fire that had destroyed the first 007 stage in 1984, precautions had been taken to fireproof subsequent Bonds. Roger Moore wore asbestos suits throughout his whole time in the role, while both Timothy Dalton, and Pierce Brosnan were coated in a fire-retardant permo-tan to prevent spontaneous ignition. It is thought that budget restrictions had prevented the new Bond, Daniel Craig, from getting the same treatment, despite warnings from safety experts who had pointed to Craig’s wayward accent in Steven Spielberg’s Munich as a sign of things to come. The last major incident of this kind was caught before it developed into a major fire. During filming on Licence to Kill, Timothy Dalton’s Welsh accent crept out during the line ‘things were about to get a little nasty’. The resulting fire was contained within a small area of back lot and Dalton escaped with only moderate damage to his reputation.

The sport of ‘cheese rolling’ has been banned after animal rights activists claimed it was disrespectful to dairy products. Although no cheese is actually involved in the sport, the art of ‘cheese rolling’ had become a popular pastime in the UK where it has been the cause of forty seven serious injuries this year, including the death of a 47 year old fitted-kitchen salesman from Norwich. From now on, the Dairy Council promises to investigate any misuse of the term ‘cheese’ and will prosecute any usage that ’seems inappropriate given the hard work and sacrifice that cows make each year in the production of our milk’. Acknowledging the change in the law, a government spokesman said: ‘We’re not about ruining people’s fun, but it’s a matter of being sensitive to the feelings of the cows. If people want to indulge in a bit of “rolling the fitted-kitchen salesman to his death”, then it’s fine by us.’

After many months of speculation, the Ministry of Defence has finally confirmed that TV celebrity chef, Gordon Ramsay, is a member of the Territorial SAS. It is a long-held understanding that the government refuses to comment on the use, deployment, and duties of the special forces, but it is thought that by making this announcement, the MOD hopes to end the rumours that have been rife in the media and which have increasingly looked certain to compromise operational security. Their brief statement read: ‘We can confirm that Captain Gordon James Ramsay, of the 23rd SAS unit, has been in active service in Afghanistan for the last twelve months. He hopes to return to TV screens in the New Year with a new series about cakes but, until then, hopes he can be allowed to continue in his duties.’

Chef Ramsey is commonly regarded as the hardest man in Britain since be became the UK’s bare-knuckle champion last year, beating the current gypsy champion in a twenty two round marathon in a freight container yard in Hull. Newspaper reports have recently linked him with operations behind Taliban lines. Before leaving for his next tour, Ramsay agreed to say a few words to The Spine.

‘Now my cover’s blown, I can tell you the real story,’ said the secretive chef from his London home. ‘I went over there to see the s**t for myself and sort those f****rs out. It wasn’t pretty. I mean: basic hygiene? There wasn’t any. Nobody washes their f*****g hands and they make mashed potatoes out of Smash! Smash for f***’s sake! I know we bombed them back to the f*****g stone age but Smash? That’s like the f****** 1970s all over again…’

We had begun to wonder if a world conflict would pass us all by without there being a good old-fashioned charity event to lend it some prestige. Yet with Friday night’s launch of ‘Eyebrows for Lebanon’, the world of Hollywood glamour responded to the situation in the Middle East with its typically understated display of political conviction. The evening kicked off with Jack Nicholson making the ultimate sacrifice of having his famously arched eyebrows shaved off for charity. Nicholson was joined on stage by dozens of ‘A’ list Hollywood stars including Ed Norton, Robert DeNiro, Keira Knightley, and Woody Harrelson. Pamela Anderson had promised to grow her eyebrows back just so she could have them shaved off on the evening, but what little stubble there was had to be deemed inelligible for the event and she left the studio swearing her revenge on the organisers whom she accused of not giving her a fair chance. Event organiser Ted Danson admitted that ‘Pamela was a little upset and we understand that, but it doesn’t matter how hairy her shoulders are, we can hardly consider them eyebrows and that’s what this evening is all about.’

Although Barbra Streisand, George Clooney, and Liam Neeson couldn’t make the event, they did send their eyebrows along in a show of solidarity. In a statement, Ms. Streisand spoke for all when she said: ‘Everyday, people are losing their eyebrows in places like Lebanon, Iraq, Afghanistan, and across the rest of Africa. The least we can do is send out our thoughts to those people and tell them we are standing behind them. When will these politicians learn that their actions cause needless eyebrow loss?’

The evening concluded with a sing-a-long led by ZZ Top, but because of a pyrotechnic mishap during rehearsals, they couldn’t donate their eyebrows to the cause. They did, however, promise to make up for it at next year’s ‘Beards for the Balkans’.

All eyebrows donated to the evening are to be converted into high-quality bedding material for refugees.

It may still be a few weeks before the start of the new football season but already the stars of the world’s favourite game are putting the finishing touches to all the little projects they’ve been busy with over the vacation. In the case of Barcelona star Ronaldinho, it means filming the last scenes of this year’s remake of the Stanley Kubrick classic, The Shining.

With Ronaldinho taking the Shelley Duvall role, the film is perhaps more notable for its supporting cast rather than its lead. Lost amongst the new of Ronaldinho’s involvement is the casting of the Jack Nicholson role. King of the remakes, Renny Harlin, makes ample use of the talents of Dabney Coleman, father of Gary and brother of David. Coleman’s most notable role in a long TV and movie career has been that of the misogynistic boss in 1980’s best film, the Dolly Parton cult classic, Nine to Five.

Speaking to The Spine from the set and through his interpreter, Ronaldinho admitted to his having found the acting difficult. ‘The director is always screaming at me,’ he explained. ‘It made me a nervous wreck but they tell me that’s how I’m meant to act. Of course, I’ve tried to put a few of my signature moves in there… a few flicks and stepovers… but they don’t seem to appreciate it in the context of a modern Gothic horror movie. To be honest, I wonder why they wanted me for the part and I’m beginning to wish I hadn’t agreed to do it.’ When pressed, Ronaldinho confessed that ‘ I needed the money. And it was either this or signing for Chelsea and I just couldn’t stand the thought of that English weather.’

Ashocked court watched the judge in Paul McKenna’s libel trial against the Daily Mirror decide in favour of the multi-millionaire hypnotist and then proceed to perform three choruses of ‘Maria’, from West Side Story, before standing on his bench and doing an imitation of a chicken.It is the last bizarre twist in what has been one of the most unusual court cases of recent legal history. On only the first day of trial, the lead council for the Mirror declared himself unable to defend his clients due to his overwhelming love for the TV celebrity, Esther Rantzen. It was followed a week later by a jury having to be dismissed after they collectively declared themselves the late Otto Von Bismark.

Yet throughout it all, Mr. McKenna proved implacable and handled himself with great dignity, despite the pressure of leading his own defence. ‘I left school with barely a qualification to my name,’ he said after hearing the court’s ruling, ’so I found it unacceptable that the Daily Mirror could call into doubt the very qualifications I have later earned through sheer hard work.’ Asked if he always thought he would win the case, Mr. McKenna smiled: ‘I always knew I had a good chance, but, just in case, I spent law week completing a law degree at night school. I finished top in my class.’

Despite his many qualifications, Mr. McKenna had faced repeated criticisms over his tactics. Only last week, he gave his final summation to the jury, persuading them that he was the injured party and that they could painlessly stick needles through their hands. This unqualified victory must put all doubts aside. When we spoke to Mr. McKenna over the phone, he voice was relaxed – so terribly terribly relaxed… In fact, he easily convinced us that he is innocent of everything that’s ever happened in the world and we would now like to recommend that all our readers follow Mr. McKenna’s Prune Diet. It is the only way to lose weight.

News updates might be slow today. We are hoping to contact the beautiful Esther Rantzen, with whom we have now fallen so utterly in love.

‘Maria… I once knew a girl called Maria…’

This year’s winner of the Tour de France was forced to parade around the streets of Paris, Thursday, dressed in a revealing little number sure to excite all hot-blooded Frenchman across this most cosmopolitan of cities. The event was organised by the Phonak race team after their lead rider, Floyd Landis, tested positive for the male sex hormone, testosterone. ‘If there’s a single drop of male hormone in his body, we’ll be sure to get rid of it,’ said team manager, Colonel Robert F. Dublin. ‘We’ll be working him until evening and then we’re send him off with a ticket to a Barry Manilow concert. By the third chorus of Club Tropicana, those hormones won’t know what hit them.’

The news that their most famous male athlete is full of male hormones has rocked Landis’ home town in rural Pennsylvania. ‘It must be something he ate,’ said local pig farmer, Walter. H. Spearmint III Jnr. ‘He done gone and ingested some of these here “hormones”… and now they’re saying he’s a man! Well that just plumb wrong, and as a farmer, I should know! I feed male hormones to our sows every day. Now can you really tell me they’re still not every inch the beautiful ladies that me and my brother went and married last year?’

It is thought that dozens of other sports are awaiting the result of Landis’ appeal, with any ruling likely to impact upon other athletes who have been tempted to dope themselves with testosterone in order to gain advantages in the areas of increased laziness, a tendency to spend the afternoon in the pub, proactive scratching and sniffing, and a wider appreciation of the art of the burp; characteristics that some say have characterised the women’s tennis tour for the past three seasons.

The Prime Minister has unveiled a new tribute to his wife in the form of a twelve foot portrait, done in oils, installed in Downing Street’s Cabinet Room. He was then forced to respond to critics who suggest that he is presiding over a government suffering crises like the last days of the Borgias. He reminded his critics that the notoriety of that family ignores the great good they did. ‘Hey, you know, they were patrons of the arts and, you know, I’m a patron of the arts. They were Popes and I’d like to be the next Pope. But that’s about it. There the similarities end. I mean, come on… What do you think of the painting, guys? It’s a Rolf Harris original.’

Speaking off the record, one senior member of the Party admitted that he found the canvas ‘bloody hideous’, explaining: ‘It’s really eerie… like she’s peering out at you. I’ve not felt this sick since I worked the winter routes for P&O ferries.’ Another colleague reports that it makes him feel ‘Doomed!’ and has already drawn up plans to have the picture removed should he get the chance. Although other responses have been more muted, a junior member of the cabinet did confess that they found the portrait distracting. ‘Thank the Lord I have my cilice to take my mind off it,’ they said under the cover of complete anonymity.

Automotive news: the FIAT 500 has been voted the sexiest car by readers of Top Gear magazine. The small car beat of rivals such as Ferrari, Aston Martin, and Vauxhall, to take top honours in the poll that is usually seen as a good indicator of the styles of car we can expect to see in the future. The news also brings more success for the makers of what has been ridiculed as a ‘Noddy’ car after its resemblance to the vehicle driven by the famous children’s character. Snr. Moltovani, spokesman for FIAT, said that the company takes the honour seriously. ‘We Italians are proud to be known for their sexiness,’ he admitted before coquettishly flicking of his yellow scarf above his red shirt and pushing back his blue hat with yellow bobble. ‘We hope to build on this success,’ he added, ‘and in a few years, we believe FIAT will be known as the makers of the car that James Bond drives.’

In other news, the owners of the ‘Fast and the Furious’ franchise have announced the next film in the series. After ‘Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift’, the sequel is to be set in Italy. ‘The Stuck and the Spittle: Rome Roundabout’ will be marketed with the tag-line, ‘And so’s your Mamma!’. It should reach cinemas at Christmas, 2008, traffic permitting.