Archive for July, 2006

Inflatable Passenger for Lone Female Drivers

Tuesday, July 25th, 2006
Inflatable male passenger

Women drivers who take the night roads alone, now have a solution to their travel woes – an inflatable male passenger. The brainwave comes from car insurance firm, Shelia’s Wheels. Monica Pontoon, head of research and development, explained the reasoning for this oddly shaped passenger. ‘Johnny One is our first attempt to fill this niche in the market. Lone female drivers have had this problem for a long time, but now, with Johnny sitting by your side, you’re guaranteed that you won’t have any unwelcome male attention.’

Unfortunately, the prototype test doll failed in its sentry duties. During a demonstration in front of the assembled press, he was constantly interfering with his female driver. ‘I’m sure we’ll have it sorted out on the production models,’ said a clearly embarrassed Ms. Pontoon. ‘It’s the heat. It always makes Johnny a little randy.’

Thomas Pynchon Spotted

Tuesday, July 25th, 2006

Pynchon spottedReports that the latest novel by Thomas Pynchon is due out in December might explain the reason why this notoriously reclusive author has suddenly become far less reclusive. Recently, a blurred photograph was released to the press with claims that it is of Pynchon returning home after making his weekly visit to his local herbal tea emporium.

‘He regularly adopts disguises,’ explains Dr. Leo Tepdan, Pynchon expert from the University of Prague. ‘It’s an extension of all many hundreds of characters he created for his novel, “Gravity’s Rainbow”. This old lady outfit is one he’s been using more recently, but I also know that he sometimes pretends to be a sailor, a bell-hop, and an Albanian harmonica maker’.

While Pynchon has always been able to surprise his fans with the unexpected, none could have expected this week’s announcement, through his agent, that Pynchon is currently in negotiations with the BBC to host the next series of Celebrity Come Dancing. If this notoriously unpredictable man decides to step into the spotlight, many believe he will finally bring to the foxtrot, tango, and the cha-cha-cha the intellectual respectability they have deserved for so long.

Meanwhile, early reviews of Pynchon’s new book, Against The Day, suggest that he compounds his flare for the illogical with a more straightforward attempt to write something readable. ‘I don’t want to spoil it for you,’ he has reportedly told friends, ‘but it’s a mystery involving a Belgian detective with impeccable manners and an unexplained obsession with his waxed moustache.’ He also laughed off suggestions that this novel was an attempt to gain wider popularity and would do little to add to his credentials as one of the world’s most complex exponents of the novel form. ‘Don’t worry,’ he is said to have added. ‘None of you will be able to get through it and it will remain on your shelf as a permanent reminder of how small your intellects are in the face of my greatness.’

Efficiency Concerns as Prescott Left on Standby

Monday, July 24th, 2006

Environmental campaigners are protesting against government plans to leave John Prescott on standby over the summer recess. Widely quoted figures suggest that nearly 10% of Britain’s power is wasted in name of convenience. Figures produced by the government suggest the real waste is much lower, but this has done little to deflect the criticism that the Deputy Prime Minister should be turned off at the wall. ‘John does like his little red light,’ admitted an insider, ‘and we can’t do anything to persuade him otherwise.’

Our New Sheriff Takes Over

Monday, July 24th, 2006
New sheriff in town

When troubles escalate and the only government has been corrupted by deceit and incompetence, then it’s time for a special kind of justice. It’s time for a very special kind of man.

Meet J. L. Prescott, the new sheriff in our town and the meanest hombre in the West-minster village.

This is the man who cleaned up Redwood; the man as likely to hang them high before even asking their name. Packing a punch known to make a mule think they’re foreign secretary, the sheriff shoots from the hip with sentences that are the toughest in the West and more painful than an ass-full of cactus quills…

Prescott is a big man amongst men. You’re not likely to catch him playing croquet or involved with the opposite sex. His only business is the law and persecuting those that break the law.

‘Get used to it, you filth-eating dogs,’ he is often heard to say. ‘There’s a new guy in charge of this here country, and if anybody comes a’messin, they’re getting both barrels. I’ll shoot you down like the dogs you are or my name ain’t Sheriff John L. Prescott…’

So remember, when justice needs a name: the name is Prescott.

Just don’t call him Leslie.

The Showbiz Wedding of the Year

Monday, July 24th, 2006
Showbiz wedding of the year

It may have become an old – and undeniably cheap – source of humour but the joke turned real yesterday afternoon as TV funny man, Ant(ony) McPartlin, married his long-time partner, Dec(lan) Donnelly, in a star-studded ceremony in a central London registry office.

ITV’s top-rated comedy act were married at precisely 3pm, symbolising ’sixth period’ or the exact moment when the ‘Ant and Dec’ partnership first came together during Mr. Dougal’s chemistry lesson in a Newcastle comprehensive. ‘That lesson was only a few months before we got our break on Biker Grove,’ explained Dec, ‘and you might say that we’ve been doing chemistry ever since.’ The duo later consummated their partnership in a top London hotel, thereby joining a relatively short list of comedy doubleacts that have taken the ultimate vow.

Also at the ceremony were another celebrity couple. The Krankies formed a friendship with Ant and Dec during a spell in panto at Durham. ‘I’m glad The Krankies could be here,’ Ant admitted. ‘I know it meant a lot to Dec to have little Jimmy give him away.’

The couple will be honeymooning in the Bahamas before returning to our screens in the Autumn. ‘We’re busy for the rest of the year,’ said Ant as he prepared to leave for Heathrow. ‘We’ve got nineteen series lined up for ITV before the new schedule starts in October. Then I expect we’ll get really busy.’

The Spinal Column: The Politics of Shame

Saturday, July 22nd, 2006

ShameThere was a time when shame meant something. In politics, it was usually associated with its contrary, ‘doing the honourable thing’, as, in the course of the normal cycle of the parliamentary year, politicians of all hues would resign and then publicly admit to their faults, their disappointment at letting down their family, friends, and the electorate in general. The scenes became almost clichéd in their identifiable tropes: the tearful but resolute wife standing by her disgraced husband; the request that they be allowed to return to their private life; the media quietly disengaging from their fallen prey to go chase the next big beast caught at the wrong watering hole.

But then something happened…

You could say that the world changed. You could even say it was the growing acceptability of a popularised form of moral relativism, which meant that many who would have at one time called for a politician to do the ‘right thing’, no longer felt themselves able to claim to be ‘whiter-than-white’. The argument runs: we each share the burdens of living in the world and we all eventually fall, a little way at least, so who are we to judge what is ‘right’ or indeed ‘honourable’ in this world of uncertainty? This has become the stock answer for many. It infects our schools, colleges, and universities, where youth is no longer taught how to be judgemental. The very notion is anathema to modern academia. All they are certain of is their own self loathing.

Yet for many more people, there is an even simpler creed to follow. It is that of the alcohol-fuelled nihilism found operating in any suburban park or provincial town centre on a Friday night. To those locked in this mindset, politicians are just one more thing among very many that have let them down. They soak themselves in despair as easily as they knock back the alcho-pops. Political corruption is inevitable. The world stinks. There is nothing we can do about it. And so too, all they are certain of it their own self loathing.

The John Prescott saga has come to symbolise the extent to which self-loathing has spread through the collective psyche. He has no shame because, as a nation, our shame is collectively so much greater. There will be no equivalent to the Poll Tax riots trying to oust Prescott. There are no lines of the aggrieved picketing Downing Street. Yet many of us are deeply offended by Prescott. The blogosphere is alive with outrage directed towards the Deputy Prime Minister. Even in a Labour Party heartland, he is discussed in many a bus queue, and rarely to his credit. The character of the corruption emanating from just this one man would have been enough to bring down at least a Tory government, but possibly two or three. Yet still, Prescott will not fall. He is the political equivalent of that old joke which sees a lumberjack cut through the base of a tree and still find that it refuses to fall.

And in his defence: why should he? In the popular media, Angus Deayton and Jamie Theakston, have both returned to prime-time television within months of the sort of shame that had previously ended the careers of many minor celebrities. Craig Charles may well be the next phoenix to rise from the burning wreck of his career and who will complain if he does? Redemption is now assumed because in the vices of others, we are reminded of ourselves.

Even when we have what we believe is an old-fashioned scandal, involving a ministerial resignation, it is only something spun out for the cameras. Peter Mandelson has yet to meet a scandal that can defeat him. And when the Liberal Democrats held an election for party leader, two of its candidates were shamed by the media. In the case of Mark Oaten, it was enough to make him to withdraw from the Liberal front bench. Yet within a few months, Oaten returned to the public eye, blaming a ‘mid-life crisis’ for his faults. On BBC1’s Question Time, he looked a little shabby — unshaven, wearing no tie — but in no way appearing ashamed. That would not suite the air of the penitent he carries about him these days.

Set against this, we have a Tory Party trying to reinvent itself. Redemption is high on David Cameron’s agenda. In seeking to offer redemption to the traditional targets of Tory censure, he is trying to offer redemption to the party itself. Perhaps he does speak to a nation that no longer believes in retribution, punishment, or even shame, but more certain is the fact that it is too easy to mock him for asking us all to ‘hug a hoody‘. He has identified one of the prevalent modes by which youths now disengage from the world around them. Made to feel ashamed of their natural will to form judgements, youths are humbled when they should be outspoken, feel unworthy when they should be self-confidently arrogant.

Need we remember that penitents traditionally wore hoods, so they could see out without being recognised? Made to feel guilty of every judgement we and our forefathers have ever made, we have all adopted the habit of penitents. All of us, in one way or another, have become hoodies. And when we all feel so ashamed, uncertain about what is right, then the only real victors are those people who cannot feel shame, wear no hoods, and are brazen in the face of their utter disgrace.

Restored Conservative Goes on Show

Saturday, July 22nd, 2006

A newly-restored Conservative is about to go on show in a hanger in Weybridge. One of a fleet taken out of service in the nineties after nearly twenty years of service, the Conservative was for a while a byword for low inflation, low tax, and a society freed from the blight of government interference. In its heyday, it also halved the distance from London to Washington, though quite paradoxically, increasing that between London and Paris. Although the Conservative fell out of fashion with a voting public attracted to rival airways, slower and more power hungry jumbos such as the Prescott Airbus have meant there has been renewed interest in the Conservative.

Source of Nationwide Nausea Identified

Saturday, July 22nd, 2006

A recent outbreak of nausea has finally been traced back to its source. Doctors’ surgeries across the UK reported a high incidence of vomiting, stomach cramps, nausea, and general feelings of dizziness throughout the month of June. Government health officials now believe this was due to graphic newspaper reports detailing John Prescott’s private life. They hope that now the cause has been identified, they can respond more quickly in the future. Meanwhile, they advise the public that should anyone find themselves looking at a report about the Deputy Prime Minister, they should immediate gorge themselves on Cadbury’s chocolate. In the long run, you will be thankful.

Minister Starts Her Summer Reading

Friday, July 21st, 2006
Rosie

With the start of the summer recess, Members of Parliament with a little time on their hands can begin to catch up on all the great fiction that has been published in the last year. Which is why it is good to see that the Minister of State for Health Services is already relaxing with a good book.

Rosie Winterton may look back on an eventful few months but even she looked refreshed as she began her summer. She revealed that her favourite read of the moment is a Western. ‘I do like a man in a Stetson,’ she purred somewhat dreamily. ‘I can imagine a pair of calf length boots, a belt and buckle, and perhaps even a set of spurs.’ Ms. Winterton did admit that she carefully chooses the books she takes on holiday with her. ‘I chose my current read because I find that in other types of book, things get wrapped up too conveniently at the end. Why should the bad guy always get his comeuppance?’

Apropos of nothing: we understand that the Deputy Prime Minister has already packed his travel bags and wrapped in a king-size pair of swimming trunks is a copy of the complete works of Samuel Taylor Coleridge. ‘Some bugger told me it’s about pleasure domes,’ explained Mr. Prescott, ’so the next time somebody asks me about them, at least I’ll know what they’re bloody talking about.’

Bush Continues to Massage Public Figures

Friday, July 21st, 2006
Bush helps Blair relax

After being caught on camera massaging the shoulders of German Chancellor, Angela Merkel, President George W. Bush continues to provide relief to the world’s leaders at this time of heightened tension. During a recent stopover at Camp David, British Prime Minister Tony Blair was given the full Bush treatment involving five-element shiatsu, foot-zone therapy, and a two hour all-over body rub with oil. The PM is said to have particularly enjoyed the ‘Texas Elbow’. ‘I’ve never felt this limber,’ said Blair after a two-hour session. ‘The President is a master of shiatsu and coming from Texas, he knows what you can do with an oily finger.’

Next month, Bush is planning a visit to China where he has already promised President Hu Jintao a foot massage. The Chinese government have yet to respond but an excited Bush admitted that ‘I’ve already bought the lotions. I’ve got some jasmine-scented oil that I’m looking forward to trying out.’