The new Chamber’s Dictionary is one of the biggest yet, with approximately two and a half million words added since its latest edition way back in the January of 2006. Speaking at the launch, chief editor, Professor Henry Reid, ran through some of his favourite additions to the volume. ‘Oh, without a doubt, I wouldn’t be here if I hadn’t durdamningled my slippers this morning,’ he said, referring to the brand new verb created to explain the act of pulling a slipper over the heel of a foot. ‘Another of my favourites, is the new noun we have for the foil covering of yoghurt pots. We call that the “flollitop”, which I think is a quite delightful word. Flollitop.’

Less savoury additions include nearly forty seven new swear words that have found their way in. They include the verb ‘to parp’. ‘To say that somebody is a “parper” or even worse, a “fatherparper”, is considered the most offensive insult in certain parts of rural Dorsetshire,’ the Professor explained. ‘In fact, I nearly refused the word entry until I first heard it used late at night on Channel 4. Then I thought I was just being an old fashioned mugwurble and I better get manky with the new street pingu of these kids who like to get down and pretend they’re yokels.’

Desperate to fill the vacant slot left by Dr. Who in the Saturday night schedule, the BBC are to relaunch The Magic Roundabout using the same formula of casting B & C list celebrities in a long ignored family favourite. At the launch of the show, the new Zebedee, Ronnie Corbett, sang the praises of the initiative. ‘It gives us old fogies another chance, you see,’ he said before launching into twenty seven separate size related gags and ending with a funny song about men who like to dress up as women.

‘I think it’s a brilliant idea,’ said Johnny Vegas, who will be playing Dylan in the remake. ‘I get to lie around all day and do very little. Oh, you don’t think that would be a stretch, do you? You think that’s funny? You would, you sitting there full of your middle class pretensions. Laughing when I’m sitting in a puddle of my own breakfast. Laugh at him cos he’s fat, that’s what you’re figuring. You probably think I’m jolly too. Well I’m not fat. And I’m not jolly. I’m just miserably chunky.’ The BBC have yet to confirm that Boris Johnson will be playing Dougal but they have admitted that Jade Goody has already auditioned for Ermintrude.

Fiendish Hungarian criminals have issued an ultimatum to BBC viewers: ‘Give us a million pounds or we’ll release Robin Hood on your primetime.’ Television experts are warning of the horror this will bring to a Saturday night only just recovering from the terror of Graham Norton and Dr. Who. It is understood that a note was delivered to BBC Centre, attached to an arrow fired through the Director General’s office window. A reply was sent but it is understood to have become lodged in Natasha Kaplinsky, who happened to be passing beneath the window at the time. A spokesman for the BBC admitted: ‘We’re now trying to reattach the note to another arrow, but Natasha’s making it hard for us as she won’t stop thrashing about.’

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In yet another demonstration of how they’re in tune with technology, the Labour Party has become the first political organization to put a mannequin of their leader online. The model is a life-sized replica of Mr. Blair but specifically designed to answer the electorate’s questions. Said, Hartley Sprig, the Party’s IT manager, ‘we’ve been working on this technology for nearly a decade but now we’re finally ready to make it available to all. It gives everybody a chance to hear Tony’s opinions about every conceivable subject. If you have a problem, we’re sure that Tony will have the answer.’

Already the mannequin has had 10,000 hits and has been credited with solving hundreds of problems from all across the globe. Mrs. Susan Griswurdle, from Kentucky Falls, USA, was the first person to have her life saved by the doll when its advice led to the FBI uncovering of a Chinese drugs cartel operating out of the basement of her oversized lingerie store. ‘I owe Tony my life,’ she said. ‘Because of his wise words, the G Men could hide among my G strings and we caught those little pesky blighters.’

Revellers at the Notting Hill Carnival were in for a special treat as the biggest street carnival in Europe got under way this weekend. Among the acts performing to the 300,000 strong audience are relative newcomers to the Calypso scene, Smiley Tone, a four-piece band that are already making a big noise in the traditional world of steel bands.

Lead signer, Smiley Tone, explained how he came to form his unique fusion of calypso beats and traditional Whitehall burocracy. ‘Well, you know, I had this idea when I was out at Cliff’s place in the Caribbean and Cherie suggested that I do something instead of moping around the house. That’s when I came up with the idea of making steel drums out of Cherie’s old face compacts. What we aim to do is to take all the passion from the music and replace it with our own social programme of bland middle-of-the-road policies that are sure to offend the least number of people.’ Their first album, ‘Don’t Rock Da Boat’, is due out in November with at least nine World tour already planned for next year.

Said the group’s charismatic maraca player, Hefty John, ‘My position, as far as Smiley Tone has given me his full support in this matter, is to shake my maracas, whilst giving the proper consideration to the rhythm of the piece and any variations regarding counterpoint and issues arising from the one-two-three cha-cha-cha shake my substantial booty.’ Explained, Desmond Browne, harmony vocalist: ‘My job is just to sing everything that Tone sings but in a slightly different key.’

Fears of more Big Brother style intrusions into the lives of UK citizens were dismissed this week when John Reid promised to take personal charge of the security of the nation’s wheelie bins. ‘I can assure you all now: there will be no microchips in people’s bins,’ the Home Secretary vowed. ‘Instead, we’re introducing a scheme to give each bin its own minister, with a full seat in cabinet.’The scheme will be soon rolled out across the country with long-time government critic, Jeremy Corbyn, being made Minister for the Wheelie Bin at number 27, Leedell Way, Reading. Mr. Corbyn has said that he’s ‘honoured that the prime minister personally chose me for this important role and I hope that this high profile job in the bin gives me many more opportunities to condemn American imperialism from my usual moral highground.’Meanwhile, critics of the scheme have suggest that it is nothing more than a quick-fix solution to the Labour Party’s internal squabbling. ‘The fact is: we’ve promised too many MPs that they’d get a cabinet position for supporting the government,’ admitted a source close to the Prime Minister. ‘This wheelie bin scheme is a godsend. Each MP will become Minister for a different bin and report back to cabinet each week with a full-itemised list of the rubbish. Of course, they’ll have all the perks of the office, including the wage rise and chauffeur-driven car, but on the bright side, at least they’ll be doing something more productive than the Deputy Prime Minister.’

An Iranian Terror Fish bamboozled the President of the United States today, after getting past White House security dressed as a piece of carrot. The fish, a member of the crack Iranian squad of marine animals specially trained to undermine US assets, got as far as the Oval Office where it proceeded to swim around the president until he was feeling ‘a mite dizzy’. Iran’s President has said: ‘this is our first blow in our fight against the American dogs. Today dizziness, tomorrow mild disorientation.’ Due to security precautions relating to bad puns, The White House has refused to confirm that the President was introduced to a turtle last month before his secret service agents realised that it was actually a ‘terrorpin’.

Thursday’s London Times is reporting that The International Astronomical Union has decided to upgrade John Prescott to planetary status. This comes only hours later than they downgraded Pluto to an asteroid. According to scientists, the classification of planet should be restricted to any ‘celestial body that is in orbit around the Sun, has sufficient mass for its self-gravity to overcome rigid body forces so that it assumes a … nearly round shape, and has cleared the neighborhood around its orbit’. By this criteria, John Prescott is a planet.So far, the government has refused to rule out any exploration of Planet Prescott, despite claims that it might be the source of strange forms of life, including a type of croquette-playing socialist and an unusual creature whose sexual hierarchy means that the uglier and more obese a creature is, the more likely they are to attract a mate.

In a move that has surprised many in the music industry, Rod Stewart’s facial mole has launched a solo career. ‘I think it’s about time I showed everybody what I can do,’ said the mole. ‘I’ve had to sit beside that mouth, listening to it make a bloody racket over the last half century, and I think it’s time I get a chance.’ The Mole’s first album, titled ‘Simply Mole’, is expected to lead to a world tour, while it is already hot favourite to have a Christmas number 1, with the single, ‘Holy Moley’.

Meanwhile, Mr. Stewart has denied reports that he’s considering having the mole replaced by an extra nipple and instead wished his mole well. ‘The thing is, I’ll have to be at every performance since it’s still attached to my face. It will be odd being up on stage and not being the one doing the performing.’ Yet perhaps the biggest surprise is the news that the mole already has a fan club. ‘It seems that many of the people who loved Rod, actually loved me… his mole… and they couldn’t care less about the rest of him. They seem to think I’m cute. So far, I’ve had two offers of marriage and I’m considering them both very carefully.’

Although Joe Cocker’s beard had a short lived career in the seventies, it is thought that this is the first time that a pop star’s appendage has decided to go independent of the star and perform a world tour. Already, the gap in Madonna’s teeth has declared an interest in a similar venture. ‘If the mole is successful, then perhaps I’ll think of doing my own album and tour,’ it said before quipping: ‘I think it’s high time there’s a gap in the market…’

Paramount Studio’s relationship with Tom Cruise turned acrimonious today, as the studio declared that it would no longer pamper the superstar’s ego. In the first move of what is expected to be a difficult separation, the studio has refused to allow Cruise to use its post-production special effects facilities to disguise his real height. For the first time in his career, the actor is now appearing in public at his real height of three feet eight inches. ‘I guess it’s going to be a hard lesson for him,’ admitted a studio insider. ‘Tom’s been embarrassed by his height for years and has even lobbied the government to change the legal definition of midget so that he isn’t included.’ Critics, however, are already betting that Cruise will bounce back. ‘I’ve got a bet on a remake of National Velvet,’ said Barry Norman, ‘with Tom in the Mickey Rooney role.’

In the meantime, Cruise’s next Mission Impossible film will not be financed by Paramount and it is believed that scriptwriters are already hard at work thinking of a plot that explains the actor’s apparent shrinkage. ‘We’re thinking cold weather,’ said William Goldman, famous script guru. ‘Maybe a shrink ray is involved somewhere…’ Alternative plans involve shooting whole films with midgets and props at a third real size. ‘It dailies would sound a little bit like the munchkin village in The Wizard of Oz,’ said an expert, ‘but they can slow down the audio and make those high pitched voices would sound normal.’