The World’s oldest man has revealed the secret of his longevity: animatronics. Speaking about his cybergenic implants for the first time, Tom Jones (143) admitted that ‘it’s not unusual have some automation da na na na na naaah’, though he admits that he finds it harder to get dates willing to put up with his constant emissions of steam. ‘I had my first implant at the suggestion of Walt Disney,’ explained Tom. ‘It was the heady days of the 1950s and we thought we could do anything with electronics, so one day, me and Walt went down to the Strip. He had a motorised eardrum installed and I had my first steam powered flange. I’ve not looked back since…’

It has been calculated that Tom has sung What’s New Pussycat nearly two point three million times since he first recorded it in 1928, which astonishes even a man with a voice box built by the machine shop at Rolls Royce. ‘When you think about it, I could have sang it live and in person to every person in Wales,’ said Tom. Asked what his plans are for the next one hundred and forty three years are, Tom confessed: ‘I’ve got my eye on doing a duet with a bilge pump but it all depends on scheduling arrangements with Charlotte Church’s agent.’

Vigilant watchdogs finally caught up with Tom & Jerry, late Monday night. In a shootout at a seedy motel in Los Angeles’ red light district, one of the two outlaws was mown down in a hail of bullets whilst the other gave himself up after a nine hour hostage situation involving a cute yellow canary. ‘We’ve been after these two for a while,’ said Sheriff Mildrew F. Whitehouse III who led the pursuit that finally brought an end to the duo’s seventy year crime spree. ‘They’ve been leading our children astray with their antics for decades and I’m glad that I could finally put at least one of the them six feet under God’s good ground in a matchbox.’ It is thought that they have proved so elusive because they have been impervious to damage, but the specially selected assault team went in without any heart or senses of humour. They were also armed with anti-cartoon bullets used last year in the killing of Count Duckula.Criticism of Tom & Jerry came to a head last year when, in two separate incidents, a six year old child swallowed an anvil and a twenty seven year old accountant plugged his cat’s tail into a plug socket for ‘comic effect’.

It is now believed that now the world is rid of bad examples the human race will be able to dispose of its free will. Speaking for the first time of how the pair terrorised her house, Mrs. Gina Eric Housewife said, ‘I thought it was that there Jerry causing all the mischief, but that cat was no good either, stealing all my food.’ Mrs. Housewife says that she hopes to spend less time standing on a stool in her kitchen.

The trial of Tom is due to start next week. Jerry left no family.

This week’s launch of the Post Office’s new pricing scheme, which sees delivery costs tied to the size as well as weight of a parcel, met with government approval as Prime Minister Tony Blair popped along to his local post office where he praised the valuable service that they provides the nation by losing thirty two tons of post each working day. ‘Hey guys, I’ve brought some of my own post along to launch this great new scheme,’ said Mr. Blair, who was due to attend the launch with Deputy Prime Minister. ‘I’ve been waiting a while for a scheme that makes it easier to post my larger objects. All I know is that I don’t want to see it come back.’

Asked about the absence of John Prescott from the launch, Mr. Blair said that ‘John’s a bit tied up now but I’m sure he’s behind this..er… new postage.’ Mr. Blair also denied that he was disappointed with his Deputy’s recent outburst against the American administration. ‘That’s just nonsense,’ he said. ‘In fact, John will soon be making his way across the Atlantic.’ At which point, the Prime Minister was overcome by a fit of hysterical laugher and had to be led away.

The Government have enlisted screen legend Samuel L. Jackson to lead a campaign to get children eating better food. The campaign will see Jackson travel around UK schools teaching children how to replace junk food with fresh fruit. ‘I want to educate these poor kids,’ said Jackson, ‘and help them get the m************ snacks off their m************ plate.’

Yet, already, the scheme has come under fire from health watchdogs. Critics point to the actor’s championing of hamburgers in Pulp Fiction as a reason why the scheme is mistaken. A spokesperson for the Federation Lobbying Against Burgers (FLAB) said: ‘Samuel L. Jackson is hardly a role model given the harm he has done to children by teaching them how to order junk food in Paris.’

Meanwhile, Jackson has come under separate attack from the British Film Council, who have criticised the movie industry for making crass entertainment for a generation of internet geeks. ‘The quality of films no longer matters when they are so heavily and uncritically publicised on blogs,’ they said in a statement on their website. ‘Even bloggers who make so-called clever puns on the name of the film only help promote the films. When will the people making these websites learn that even if they mock the films they hate, they only help spread the word about those films and help promote them even further.’

Amnesty International are set to launch a campaign to prevent Amnesty International relaunching The Secret Policeman’s Ball. ‘We see this is cruel and inhumane treatment of those people who appreciate good comedy,’ said a spokesman for the organisation. ‘We will do everything in our power to bring this morally objectionable behaviour to an end. Although Amnesty International did a great deal of good with the first Secret Policeman’s Ball, subsequent shows have helped create some of light entertainment’s biggest monsters. We are not going to let that happen again. Does nobody remember the lessons we learned with Lenny Henry?’

It is rumoured the recent theft of a social conscience that Ben Elton kept under his bed for these occasions was the first in a campaign of direct action by hardline members of the organisation. ‘We’re determined this won’t go ahead,’ said a source inside Amnesty. Meanwhile, a different source inside Amnesty said, ‘I’m sure the show will be a great success. We’re hoping that some of the characters from Little Britain will be able to make it, so I’m sure the audience are in for some totally original comedy on the night.’

American President, George W. Bush, came under attack on Thursday from the most unlikely of sources: a conference centre in Harrowgate. Speaking from the seventy seventh British Elvis Presley Appreciation Society, which he attends regularly each year as Society Chairman, Deputy Prime Minister John Prescott launched a scathing attack on the President’s claim to be an Elvis fan. ‘That’s crap,’ he is reported to have said, going on to suggest that the President ‘ain’t nothing but a hounddog’. The remarks were greeting by applause by the seven hundred Elvi gathered in the hall.

The remarks are the latest outburst from the DPM, who has been increasingly frustrated by the US administration’s intransigence on the so-called, ‘Road Map’, which would see all itinerant Elvises across the globe return to their Graceland home. Mr. Prescott is rumoured to be displeased with the President’s wish to turn the singer’s estate into a new Camp David. On the 30th June, this year, the President accompanied Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi on a tour around Graceland, followed yesterday, by the President recording a duet with first lady, Laura Bush, of the single ‘Wooden Heart’, meant to honour the 29th anniversary of the singer’s death. It is also understood that Mr. Prescott has grown increasingly vocal within the cabinet, demanding that Tony Blair’s government sever all ties with the US administration until the President orders his troops out of Graceland.

Home Secretary John Reid took time out of his busy schedule to make the most of the parliamentary recess and indulge in his favourite pastime. ‘I know it looks a bit strange to folk who know nothing about it,’ said the Home Secretary, ‘but clowning helps me unwind after a hard day.’ Making an allusion to the holiday plans of his colleague, the Foreign Secretary, Dr. Reid added: ‘And I know one thing for sure… I don’t look half as silly as somebody I know touring around Cornwall in caravan.’

Dr. Reid’s affinity with the circus began at an early age after running away with Billy Smart’s Circus when he was only eight years old. He might have become a professional performer, only chose to pursue a career in politics when he was diagnosed with an allergy to custard. ‘It was heartbreaking. I could have been the next Coco the Clown. It really was my life up to the age of nineteen. In those days, the circus was a hotbed of socialist thinking,’ he said. ‘We would gather around the elephants at night and read from the Communist Manifesto. To us carny folk, socialism was an extension of what we already knew: communal living, shared profits, and free performing budgerigars for all.’

After such a childhood, it was perhaps unsurprising that Dr. Reid went on to university where his interest found its way into his studies. He holds a PhD in the history of circus from the University of Stirling and his thesis was titled, ‘From Marxism to Buckets of Paper: a study of the influence of the circus on early communist thinkers’. He admits that he now looks back on those days with a certain nostalgia. ‘Unlike pre-revolutionary clowns like the famous Bim Bom, Soviet clowning was of a different class. Oleg Popov was an early influence,’ Dr. Reid explained. ‘And it is a little known fact that Stalin had his own private circus in the grounds of the Kremlin, and that much of the Soviet foreign policy was directed by a clown call Mishka.’ Asked if he thought that the Soviet model had any bearing in modern politics, Dr. Reid smiled sadly. ‘Unfortunately not,’ he said. ‘There are no clowns within New Labour.’

All models of the Dell Winton have been recalled after a fault has been found with their batteries. The problem came to light (pun intended) during the London premier of ‘Supermarket Sweep:The Movie’ when a Dell Winton ignited during a photo opportunity with Barbara Windsor. The resulting blaze spread to a number of minor stars and police chiefs fear that the Christmas panto season will be severely affected across the land. The admission comes after months of speculation about the popular brand of celebrity, with many people reporting that their Dell Wintons were given to sudden excitable outbursts over apparently very little.

In order to reassure the public, the BBC have immediately moved to check that all the Wintons they currently own have had their battery packs upgraded. A spokesman also confirmed that they are also looking into checking older models, including the ever-popular Dell Boy, though experts believe that problems with the now out-dated model were limited to a tendency overdo a Cockney accent.

The critics may have been divided over the quality of this year’s short-listed books for the Booker Prize, but it was ex-soldier, Andy McNab, who eventually took away the fifty thousand pound prize for the year’s best work in fiction. In what has been one of the most keenly fought Booker Prize competitions of recent years, it was Avenger that finally emerged as the winner. The 450 page retelling of Henry James’ Bostonians is set in war torn Iraq where an SAS team has been cut off from their base. The book was commended by all judges as a ‘insightful study of female sexuality, conventional morality, and place of manners in the modern battlefield’. They made a special point of praising McNab’s handling of a sensitive issue. ‘We didn’t expect the hero to get cut down in an ambush right at the end. That was just pure class…’

McNab researched the novel for three whole weeks before sitting down to write it. ‘And then it was like being back in SAS boot camp,’ he admits. ‘I was glad to get it finished before my tea because I just didn’t know how much longer my power was going to last me on my laptop.’

The news of McNab’s victory is sure to shock many in the literary establishment who had mocked McNab’s inclusion in the shortlist. Said David Baddiel, critic for The Sunday Times: ‘When it was clear there were no scruffy comedians obsessed with their genitalia in there, I wasn’t really bothered who won.’ Other commentators have been more circumspect. ‘He’s not Richard & Judy friendly,’ said one, recalling McNab’s involvement in the Richard & Judy book club last year. It is a criticism that still draws a fierce rebuke from the author. ‘It’s true I’ve had a difficult relationship with Judy but that comes from our days together in the Paras,’ admits McNab. ‘It was Richard that really got my back up. He claims to be working on his own version of Proust’s À la recherche du temps perdu but I don’t know anybody who has even seen a first draft. Well he can come and kiss my black balaclava-clad arse the next time he wants help with an inner monologue.’

APeter Kay look-alike has been awarded the top prize in a competition to judge the world’s best comedy one liner. John Prescott, a popular club comedian out of the North of England, won the prize for his catchphrase, ‘I’m Deputy Prime Minister’, narrowly beating John Cleese’s ‘You invaded Poland’ into second place.

‘It’s an unbelievably funny line when you look at it from a comedic point of view,’ said contest judge, Professor Horace Twiss, ‘but what made it stand out above the rest was that it exemplified the absurdity of the world. In fact, when you study the whole of Mr. Prescott’s work, he’s most certainly in a league with those other great masters of the surreal: Jacques Tati, Peter Sellers, and Jimmy Cricket.’

Although previously known for the colourful language he uses throughout his act, a delighted Mr. Prescott politely received the award, thanking his wife, agent, and two thirds of the chorus line of his current hit show, ‘A Naughty Night With Prezza’.