Liberal Democrat pin-up boy and part-time bull fighter, Lembit Opik, launches a new service this week for tired businessmen. West European Care Services promises to ‘Take You All the Way!’ with the strapping seven foot two inch Opik promising to carry you on his back from ‘door to door’.

George Galloway, the peace campaigner, consultant to the American Senate, and spokesman for the National Milk Marketing Board, today asked the world to help him stop the unhindered advance of his chin whiskers. This comes only a month after he had leapt to the defence of his beard when sections of the British media vehemently attacked its aggressive stance towards his chin.

‘My beard is a freely elected Member of the British Parliament,’ said Galloway at the time. ‘It has the right of free movement in this supposedly free land of ours, and what it says on the matters such as the Middle East, should be listened to very carefully before Mr. Bush and Mr. Blair lead this country even deeper into the quagmire of Iraq.’

Now, however, it would appear that the whiskers have gone too far for even the outspoken Mr. Galloway. ‘They’re almost down to my chest,’ he admitted, ‘and there’s nothing I can do about it but to SHOUT IN A VERY LOUD VOICE TO TELL IT TO STOP THIS MADNESS NOW!’ The beard, it would appear, was not listening.

Mr. Galloway, nicknamed ‘Gorgeous George’ among Chelsea hairdressers, has clearly been embarrassed by his admission given that it will delight many who had accused Mr. Galloway of ignoring world opinion when he first accepted the beard as a gift from Cuban President, Fidel Castro, during a visit last month. He said at the time: ‘Ridiculous. This beard was given by the President of a freely elected government, to the people of Bethnall Green and Bow, and I wear it as a token of our solidarity with the people of Cuba.’ A spokesman for the Cuban government admitted that they were glad to be rid of the beard. ‘It’s been nothing but a bloody nuisance since we inherited from the Bulgarians in the 1960s.’

The world of British politics was left stunned, Saturday, as Jeremy Corbyn, the ever-popular M.P. for Islington North, revealed that he has been struck down by a rare genetic mutation. ‘Out of shame, I’ve tried to keep this news out of the public domain for too long,’ he said in a statement from his London home, ‘but now it has come to the point where I can no longer deny what has happened. I have to admit, proudly, and without a single shred of shame attached, that I’ve grown an extra head.’

Experts studying the mutation have explained that these changes usually occur in order to help an organism function more effectively. ‘It would appear,’ said Professor Lewis R. Fellows of the University of Oxford, ‘that Mr. Corbyn has developed an extra head to help him talk out of his posterior. It really is quite unique and a previously unheard of development in human genetics.’

Speaking later in the day from his weekly surgery in Islington, Mr. Corbyn described how the affliction has changed his daily routines. ‘It’s making me more irritable,’ he admitted. ‘Sitting down can also be quite painful as my other head refuses to shut up. Sometimes I can’t get a moment’s peace…’ At which point, the head said: ‘Peace? Peace? I’ll tell you about peace. There can’t be peace until America and Britain…’ An apologetic Mr. Corbyn quickly muffled the outburst with a cushion. ‘It’s like this all day,’ he said. ‘I try to stay on my feet, which is why I’m always on the news. Whenever an interview comes up with the BBC and Sky News, my other head is always ready with a soundbite. I suppose it’s quite refreshing and it does take my mind off my other problems. I’m just surprised nobody has noticed the extra head before now. It’s already done at least a dozen pieces to camera on the BBC.’

Released from the pillow, the newly grown head revealed that it shares Mr. Corbyn’s famous sense of humour. ‘I know we’ll become the butt of some jokes,’ it chuckled, ‘but at least the next time he’s accused of talking out of his arse, he’ll have a medical certificate to prove that it can’t be helped.’

Memorabilia from the original 1960s series of Star Trek is to boldly go where no memorablia has gone quite so boldly before when it is auctioned off in London in October. Items from the cult series are usually guaranteed to generate the interest of people across the globe but higher prices than ever are expected from one of the finest collections to go to public auction for nearly twenty years.

The hottest item in the auction, with a cool one million dollar price tag, is an original girdle as worn by Captain Kirk in the final series. ‘It would be like a Catholic owning the very first vulgate Bible… only we can wear it,’ said Star Trek historian, Andrew Bleakbladder. ‘If you remember episode s3e21, “The Savage Curtain” — stardate 5906.4 to those of us living by the only reasonable calender — well, this is the very same girdle that Scotty accidentally de-materialised during Kirk’s negotiations with the Excalbians. Of course, this show went out in 1969 and the network censors still didn’t know whether it was acceptable to show pendulous male breasts during peak hours. Needless to say, Kirk saved the day and the girdle went on to star in eight series of T.J. Hooker.’

Also making the auction room are a rare set of Spock’s ears complete with headband (pictured above), Bones’ scowl, and the original (and most infamous) split infinative in the history of the English language. Collectors are already thought to be making large sealed bids for the fake Russian accent used by actor Walter Koenig who played Pavel Chekov. The accent, which has its own listing on the Internet Movie Database, has been since used by William Hurt for the film version of Gorky Park, and more recently, Harrison Ford in K-19: The Widowmaker.

Proceeds from the auction will be used to build the world’s first working warp-coil. William Shatner, speaking from Lebanon where he is working as a peace negotiator on behalf of George Bush, gave the auction his blessing but then added: ‘But who… gives a damn… about Star Trek? Please get me out of here! There are bombs… and shooting… and I’ve run out of bagels!’

Madonna’s plan to undergo a mock crucifixion as part of her concert in Rome has been attacked by religious leaders demanding that the crucifixion be the real thing. ‘Let her know the real agony of the Passion,’ said one outraged priest, waving a bag of six inch nails to reporters. He was standing side-by-side with priests of other denominations who are in Rome to tout tickets for the other big show in town, an audience with the Pope.

Meanwhile, a brother from a non-conformist sect has condemned Madonna’s whole career as ‘one long attempt to demean the Bible and make herself into a false idol.’ Flagellating himself as he departed, he wailed: ‘Oh, may the wrath of our Lord, Michael Jackson, descend upon her!’

The attacks have brought a conciliatory response from the singer. Her spokesperson read a statement in which Madonna (real name Mad Louis Ciccone) explains that ‘I do not object to real nails being driven through my hands but I do have to be concerned about my singing.’ She goes on: ‘I have fans who expect my usual standard of live vocal performance and I can’t let them hear me screaming in agony.’

Meanwhile, in a show of defiance, those same fans have been flocking to a small town in Trentino, in northern Italy, where a cabbage has been discovered that apparently resembles the singer. ‘It’s uncanny,’ said an emotional Rebecca Souse, a fan from Brooklyn, New York. ‘You can clearly see that it’s Madonna from the days of her Immaculate Conception tour. One of the leaves even looks like Warren Beatty.’ An awe-struck fan, Denis Humus, who has travelled from Scotland to see the miracle, confessed that ‘I’ve met the real Madonna so I can say that this is just like being in her presence.’ Overcome with the moment, he knelt down and kissed the cabbage before professing: ‘And it smells just like the real thing!’

Experts from the local university maintain that any similarity to the singer is pure coincidence as the cabbage cannot sing, dance, act, or write children’s books. It is a conclusion that seems to have left fans even more convinced.

It was meant to be the launch of the UK’s newest charity but the British media proved how fickle they could be as they resumed their campaign to berate the soon-to-be-ex wife of Paul McCartney at every opportunity. With flashguns going off by the hundreds, the amassed paparazzi showed how little sympathy they feel towards the ex-Beatle’s estranged wife, Lady Heather Mills McCartney.

With her divorce battle looming and having lost her husband’s powerful connections in the media, Duchess Mills McCartney has been finding things difficult, with many organisations turning to higher profile figureheads such as Tony Green from TV’s ‘Bullseye’ who has this week taken over from Ms. Mills McCartney as UK spokesperson for RALM, the Royal Association of Lefthanded Mimes.

Where once she was the automatic choice to launch every new charitable campaign, she has resigned herself to becoming the champion of lesser causes. Her latest launch is for the campaign, ‘Throttle a Dog’, which she sees as a chance to do something new in the world of charity. About this unique initiative, she explained: ‘It’s a bit like Battersea Dogs Home except we throttle them instead of loving them. But what’s great about this project is that it attracts a totally different type of charitable giver and volunteer.’

For more information, please visit the ‘Throttle A Dog’ campaign website at http://www.throttleadog.uk.org/

Showing his remarkable understanding of the nuances of world politics, President George W. Bush has outlined a compromise solution to the current Middle East crisis. His offer to all parties to ‘blame the French’ has brought immediate expressions of accord from all sides. ‘It’s what we in Texas call cowboy diplomacy,’ said a delighted Bush from his home in Crawford. ‘And now I’m a-hankerin’ for a lynchin’ and maybe some beans…’ A clearly optimistic Bush then entertained the media to one of his party pieces which he intends to take to the UN in the belief that it will help get the American position adopted in a new resolution.

Before then, however, he plans to meet the French foreign minister later today in the hope of thrashing out agreement over Lebanon. From their side, the French government sees the American proposals as an opportunity to reassert its influence in the region. A senior French diplomat explained that ‘we are blamed for everything else so a little thing like the Middle East doesn’t really bother us.’

By appeasing an American administration that has not always seen eye-to-eye with their nation’s position on Iraq, the French government hope to revive the ailing tourist industry. Euro-Disney has seen a 87% drop in obese visitors since the beginning of 2002 with the resulting extra space making the resort look empty and increasing the number of bad accidents, where the previous placement of a large derrière would have cushioned the fall. America hope that this severe ‘buttock deficit’, which only they can solve, will force French President, Jacques Chirac, to adopt the President’s position, though French sources suggest that Chirac will demand that he puts his pipe in his ear, which he believes will look more statesmanly.

Sometimes you write something and it has no place anywhere. You either throw it away or post it knowing nobody will read it. After thinking a bit about comedy tonight, I thought to make this one of the latter. A long rant, for which I’m truly sorry to all fans of Little Britain. I needed to get this pretentious bit of nonsense off my chest…

When Top Trumps first appeared in the 1970s, they were the must-have toy for boys of a certain age and temperament. Through them, we discovered a world of useless facts: batting averages, top speeds, pass completion rates, engine torques, and the stopping power of the world’s most popular handguns. All wholesome fun, as we used to say. Then, at some point, the novelty wore off and Top Trumps disappeared from my life. That is, until a day or so ago…

(more…)

George W. Bush took the rare step for a President of the United States by using an executive order to recruit a retired member of the Admiralty to head his latest peace delegation to the Middle East.

Speaking to reporters gathered in the White House, the President introduced Admiral James. T. Kirk of Starfleet before proceeding to outline the reasons why he had made this unexpected choice to help settle tensions between Israel and Lebanon. ‘I’ve been watching James T. Kirk’s career for some time,’ confessed the President. ‘He’s a good man. Good principles. Knows how to lead from the front. He knows what it is to boldly go where no man has gone before. The Romulans terrorists know that. I know that. Admiral Kirk has proved himself to be one of our finest negotiators. He’s one of our finest Americans. He calls me “Bones” and I’m proud to call him “Jim”.’

The announcement clearly came as something of a shock to William Shatner, who was sharing the stage with the President at the time. Learning of his imminent departure for Lebanon, Shatner was reported to have said ‘Gosh… Do I get my own trailer and free Danish?’

It was left to the President to conclude by reminding everybody of the Admiral’s career to date. ‘Can I remind you folks of the good work he did with in the crisis with V’Ger,’ said the President, before finishing with his usual unscripted remarks. ‘I’m sure he’ll do a great job. Just don’t mention the tribbles.’

Asked by reporters if he believed his mission could be a success, a dazed Shatner answered: ‘If we… in the Federation… can accept Klingons… as our equals… then surely… there must be some chance… of peace… between Israel… and its neighbours.’

Wishing his new envoy a good trip, the President quipped: ‘And if they don’t listen to what ya have to tell them, Jim, you have my permission to put your phasers on stun.’

After Sunday’s revelation that Gordon Ramsay is a serving member of the Territorial SAS, the world of London celebrity has been left reeling from a second shock this morning. Only days since he walked from the stage on the very last Top of the Pops, Sir Jimmy Savile (57) revealed that he has been working for the KGB for nearly forty years.

From a luxury jacuzzi in BBC Centre, a clearly relaxed Savile was able to tell his story in full for the very first time. ‘Now then, now then, now then,’ he told waiting reporters, ‘Sir Jim was indeed a deep cover op-er-a-tive, and, as it happens, if anybody had bothered to look, they would have seen the clues… Ho, ho, ho… Did nobody wonder what “Jim Fixed it For Me” really meant?’

Savile went on to explain the meaning of the cryptic phrase. ‘If you Doctors of the Alphabet rearrange those letters, you would get “Red Jimmie” and “Fit Fox”, you see… The “Red Jimmie” is me, Sir James – cough spit polish gold medal from the Queen – and the “Fit Fox” was the codename my handler chose for me after he saw me run my very first marathon for the good people at Stoke Newington Hospital.’

A devoted marathon runner in his younger days, it has been calculated that Sir Jimmy has run twice around world, though he confesses that only during one of those circuits did he visit Russia. He also denies passing any state secrets to his handlers. ‘My job, as it happens, was to fix it for the good people in the Soviet Union to contact any boys and girls who might be corrupted by a cheap badge on a piece of ribbon. Now then, these boys and girls would grow up and become people of some re-spon-si-bil-ity and it was Uncle James’ job to make sure that they would remember who got them where they were.’ Sucking on a his trademark cigar, he confessed: ‘It was the classic KGB honeytrap.’

Savile took care to explain every detail of his recruitment. ‘It was the glorious days of the Cold War, and you could still be a spy and wear a gold tracksuit. I was hosting an early episode of Top of the Pops when Kim Philby turned up. He was the chief music correspondent for The Times and had come to see a set by Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mitch and Tich. I didn’t know it then, but they were all working for the KGB, except for Mitch who was an MI6 man. What else can I say? Kim promised me cigars! We kept in contact even after his defected to Russia. A lovely chap. I always sent him the latest ELO album every Christmas.’

Asked if he ever really believed in the communist ethos, Sir Jimmy laughed. ‘Ho, ho, ho… Sir Jim only believes in the power of disco, you see… I did everything else for the cigars and the ladies. You know they cost nearly ten shillings each? That’s each cigar, not each lady. Goodness gracious me!’

As reporters left him to soak, he promised to name more names in the coming week. ‘I know all the secrets,’ he said as the bubbles started to rise about his cigar. ‘Dave Lee Travis is a trained Columbian hitman and The Dave Clark Five used to topple governments for the CIA.’